Unfitting

..no not really.  it just seems a long time.  it is a week into july afterall.  another week and my birthday.  i dont actually care for it… for me, it’s a day older and not any wiser.  i keep thinking that i am in the same predicaments as the previous year and the one before that.  have i grown or slightly deteriorated?  hard to tell. 

anyway independence weekend was good and bad - fun going to the city, but bad cause of the arguments.  they always seem to present themselves around the holidays.  maybe that’s why i dread them.

today wasn’t good.  i got so freaked out by a spider (horrible fear of them) that i got into the driver seat of my car via the passenger side.  i saw a dead cat on the road.. bloody fur.. makes me sad.  also, this freaking lady in a suv almost hit my car at 70 mph if i hadn’t veered into the next lane!  couldn’t be good on my heart.  i already have too much anxiety as it is.  so, basically i’ve been too anxious to be depressed.  i haven’t cried in at least 2 weeks.  i’ve been sleeping in all my free time. 

reading would be soothing.  i finished Shimura Trouble by Sujata Massey and found out that regrettably, it was the last book in the series.  i think i will go back to reading Reginald Hill again unless anyone has any suggestions for mysteries, which in that case send them my way!! 

well that’s all for now.  updates later!

mild hell.

i know none of my problems are bad compared to others.  afterall, i’m not poor or have some incurable disease or dead, yet.  anyway, it’s all relative.  i still feel like utter shit.  my mind is so far passed i can’t even cry or cut, which has the potential to temporarily release some tension.  does anyone else hate that?  too lazy to be actively depressed… or maybe that doesn’t even make any sense.  depressed, active, nonrelated?  why do i feel like i’m stuck in my own reality?  i mean i still have to interact with people at work, but in those times, i still feel i’m here.  what the hell am i talking about?  don’t really know.  sorry

last week seemed as if it lasted forever.  the first half of the week was just riddled with more than my normal level of stress about work.  i’m pretty sure i had a panic attack during a shower on one of those three days.  the second half of the week, i was fighting with the lovely boyfriend.  does he hate me?  i thought it was seriously over and somehow we’re still together.  amazing?  i think so!  the issues are still unresolved, which means future fights with drama are inevitable.  i still love him.  also related is another development, possibly caused by stress, is causing more stress.  with that, to end that week and start a new week, another panic attack during a shower again.  it was hard to catch my breath and stay standing.  i am physically exhausted.  i can barely get through showers anymore. 

i have been staring at my scars and have been more conscious of them than normal.. more afraid that someone will see them when i hadn’t really cared before.  i have racing thoughts and sometimes feel that i might do something stupid against my better judgement.  ha me… better judgement.  maybe i don’t have any better judgement.  wah wah yeah i’m crying about stupid things, but my hands are not shaking for no reason.  i can’t think straight.

i don’t usually post stuff about music/movies, but i was catching up reading some posts and it seems that everyone could use a little uplift.  here’s Ferras.  when i first listened to him, i thought he was a bit too pop/alternative.  he’s going on tour with Ryan Cabrera.  what is that??  what can i say?.. i’ve grown to like his music.  plus, he’s cute in this photo ha.

Go here to open a player from his official website and listen to Liberation Day.  Feel free to listen to the others if you’d like =)

Keep cool everybody.

ok so i haven’t posted since the first of this month!  these entries get farther and farther apart, unlike PA who blogs every day and is dependable (and this is not just because she’s doing that blog 365 thing.. she would probably blog everyday anyway with insightful and fun material).  well, let’s see.. updates i think are called for.

the beach was fun.  ok fun, not crazy fun.  first of all, we, meaning my boyfriend and i, got lost because we had to make a stop (which i did not think was at all necessary).  this added about an hour and a half to the time it took us and geez it was hot!  yes i know, i will quit the bitching about the heat now, especially since it will be 98 degrees tomorrow (yuck!).  we did some shopping, which i almost now always prefer over staying on the beach since i dont like being seen in a bathing suit.  spent some time on the slots and won $80 which helped out with gas, although it doesn’t even pay for 2 weeks worth.  stupid dumb oil.  but, we did manage to squeeze in a walk across the beach.  that was last weekend.

this short weekend has already past with the looming work week upon me.  less and less looking forward to this.  before i had decided to take on more responsibilities and new projects, which was as of last week, i was comfortable with what i was doing and being able to ask others for help when i needed it.  now i feel like i’m supposed to be the one for others to go to when they need help… so how much do i really know?!  it doesn’t feel like much.  middle of last week, i was taken to see some clients which included some 30 people.  i was sweating and lightheaded by the end.  i don’t recall even an eighth of the group.

now i have to face two big projects due to be delivered by the end of this month, which is shooting my anxiety up through the roof.  it’s hard to breathe just thinking about it.  this also makes me wonder how i can possibly do this job when i can’t even control my anxiety problems.  this does not bring back fond memories as anxiety was a constancy in school.  it was only when i started receiving straight A’s in 5th grade that it started.  gradually, the anxiety grew worse, peaking while in high school and subsequently, grades went down.  slowly, it got a little better in college.. haha yes finally figured something out after 20 years of living?!  course, this doesn’t mean it’s gone.  nowhere near in fact.  ditto on the social anxiety part. 

yesterday, i think i also experienced some hypomania or maybe just insanity.  this lasted for only an hour before sleeping half an hour put it on pause.  *sighs*  drymouth.  vision is being compromised; words i’m typing are blurry and i’m not crying.  i feel that soon i might just collapse into the fetal position and blubber like the big baby that i am.  escalating.  wanting to scream.  wanting to breathe! 

“Get a hold of yourself!”  *hits herself* ah, better.

sorry dear readers for this episode.  talking about anxiety seems to provoke things as much as any other stressful event.  still barely functioning at the moment, i will end this entry by telling you that i will try to get through the rest of this week unscathed.

OK, i have not posted in quite a while, not that it would matter.. i dont anyone actually reads this dumb thing.  i don’t know if it’s whether i’ve been busy with stuff or busy with actually sleeping.  sleeping a bit too much, yet i am all wide awake tonight.  my life has been uneventful, aka no drama, for the last two or so weeks, which i haven’t decided whether that’s negative or positive.  this means no real thoughts or attempts of self-harm or hypomania or even, my gosh can’t you believe it, crying here.  mainly, i seek drama even though i can’t handle a drop of it.  realize that that is the indecisiveness in me.  one of my many weaknesses.  i wish i knew what i wanted so that i could just focus on getting there. 

on a more positive note, i will be going to the beach tomorrow, rather today since it is already 3 am, with the boyfriend.  a nice sunday before the start of the work week.  the weather is supposed to nice so hopefully not too hot and not too cold.  i have to be at a perfect temperature to even have a chance of enjoying myself.  this annoys him to no end since this is one of the things i complain about frequently.  like last night, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Jones in Center City, ah the heart of Philadelphia (least i think so), and it was not at all a good experience for me.  the food was mediocre, actually plain at best.  we sat outside where it smelled and it was a bit chilly probably from the day’s rain.  and i’m pretty sure the waitress forgot about us except for the moments where she saw us through the windows while serving her indoor patrons.  i spent the entire time complaining… and i believe that this is what he dislikes so much about me — my complains.  it’s even worse — the more comfortable i am with someone, the more comfortable i am with letting them know about my complaints.  bad habit i admit.

anyway, back to the beach.  some shopping, strolling on the boardwalk, and maybe getting my feet into the sand will be nice!  i love the sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore and the sea gulls calling.  it would be great to own a summer beach house or rent one, but again this would be my fault.  i’m not even allowed to stay with my boyfriend overnight.  that’s right.  i said not allowed.  one parent doesn’t know i’m with him at all.  the other doesn’t know that it’s serious.  again, my fault.  i know, i hate myself for it.  i’m sorry.  i’m going to stop while i’m ahead before i create some drama.  good night all!~

considering it’s 4 am and i have to be up for work in about 3 hrs i’m going to make this brief.

i went to my boyfriend’s college graduation yesterday.. WooHoo!  luckily, it wasn’t AS stressful as i expected it to be.  actually the night before was more so, even if I wasn’t the person graduating.  i’m so proud of him.  his little cousins were adorable and troublemakers!  i believe the people in the rows in front and in back of us were quite irritated.  it’s weird how kids don’t care at all because they’re in their own little worlds and don’t understand, but it made me uncomfortable.  i basically didn’t look.  uhm no kids for me!  we had a nice delicious dinner in chinatown as well. 

tonight or rather this morning, i am stuck right between feeling like shit and being okay by avoidance.  i mean right in the middle.  i really have no idea at the moment or the last 4 hours for that matter.  i think i’ve slightly gone from the edge of feeling like shit to the edge of being okay by avoidance.  i’ll see how the rest of today goes…

has anyone seen it tonight?  or even last night?  it is quite beautiful.  something so mysterious about it.  i feel that something more draws me to it than gravity.  somehow it seems that i am connected to the sky although i have never been obsessed about astronomy nor ever owned a telescope.  when i’m outside at night and stare into the darkness, i feel a sense of belonging.  yes, i know i sound a bit loony. 

early on while sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car and sticking my head slightly out the window, the wind was blowing.. i felt like i couldn’t breathe.  i told him this, but i think he just thought i was being a weirdo.  anyway, the familiar sensation was something between a wonderful lightness and a panicky fear of suffocation.  listening to music only enhances the feelings.  i gave my thoughts about music in another post.  i always wonder if there is someone up there, in some other reality, calling for me..  my heart and thoughts are racing.

yep i am crazy and here is a random post…

i have to start out by apologizing to you.  i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me.  i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions.  they are dark moments in my life.  i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind.  i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement. 

i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness.  honestly, i have good times as well.  more good times than bad in fact.  if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night.  i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together.  i also have my siblings and work to thank for it.  i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful.  this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me.  we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind.  and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.

i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me.  i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person.  the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t.  so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway).  i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.

so, i only ask you to try to be understanding.  don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced.  don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me.  don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t.  just love me as i love you.

Love with all my heart,

Amy

things are such shit. 

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post.  after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way.  i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently.  even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess.  i’m really worried about my grandfather.  he still hasn’t woken up.  and what if he doesn’t? 

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick.  that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it.  ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay.  instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life.  he is there because i have no efforts or hopes. 

*throws her hands up in the air*  right, like the gester has ever helped anyone.  this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now.  i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing.  although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold.  my heart is cold.  chills up and down my back and shoulders.  my breathing is slow.  i feel that i am no longer here.  i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it.  i’m almost dead already.  and what will the crying and self-harming do now?  nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore.  i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment.  this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you.  i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed.  it hurts to pick up a bottle of water.  i feel worse.