music and art

lately, i’ve been very depressed.  it’s not even like something triggered it nor that i realized it was happening.  everything seemed to be going well, but now for at least the past month, i have felt crummy about myself.  i think that during those couple of years that i was doing well, i just seemed to forget about myself, about trying to fix my problems.  the self-harm and suicidal thoughts have intercepted my life once again so i haven’t been sleeping well.  every day i try not to self-harm and while for the most part have succeeded, it is very tough.  perhaps i was never addicted and that i am in more control of it than i previously thought, but i look at it as not wanting to submit to that part of my life, not wanting to erase any changes that i have committed to.  back to the title of this entry, i feel like both of these are my saviors and my sentencers.  art was always a favored hobby of mines, but for the most part have not done any since high school.  i regret not having put some effort into that potential career.  art gave me something to focus on, something to keep my mind off of the things going wrong with my life, going wrong within myself.  i feel that, now, it is gone from me and i terribly miss it.  i feel no energy or passion for it anymore, just the reminiscence of fond memories while helping my sister on her school projects.  at the same time i know art has just allowed me to forget about finding myself.  as for music, although i don’t play an instrument or write music or know many songs, i feel that listening to music in general makes me feel real.  the words might mean nothing to me and frankly, i may not even hear them, but when i hear music, i feel something within myself that i can’t get anywhere else.  when i hear classical music, i can see myself literally standing on the stage of the orchestra, feeling the music beat in my heart.  when i listen to the songs on my ipod, likewise i see myself in some dramatic scene from a movie, very in the moment, and away in some life unaffected by my actions.  for instance, right now i’m listening to LP.  i don’t know what this song is about.  i can’t even describe in words what i’m feeling from it, but i know physically in me what i feel is real.  my eyes are closed, my heart feels as if to rise, and i wish for that familiar but wonderful chill that moves through my body to stay.  on the other hand, music puts me in a certain mood as much as my mood deciding on the music.  like clockwork, if i listen to something low toned, soft, and slow, it is almost a guarantee that i will end up crying and in need of some self-harm to get rid of it.  ah well, music and art can’t solve my problems.  ack, when will i get better?