personality disorder?
i was reading this blog entry by BPD in OKC about remission for borderline personality disorder. i never considered it as something i might have, but realized that while her entry listed 9 criteria for having the disorder and not having 5 of them would constitute as being in remission i fit most of the criteria! then i found this test from www.SimilarMinds.com and took their personality disorder test. these are my results:
the top three that i had, all in the 70 - 80% range, happened to be of a different type according to them. Schizoid for eccentric (78%), borderline for dramatic (74%), and obsessive-compulsive for anxious (70%). i already knew i had symptoms of the latter, but the other two were kind of a surprise. then again, many of the symptoms for one appear in other disorders. i could probably make it sound as if i had them all!
i guess this only answer would be to have a professional diagnose me, which i have a problem doing. first of all, i don’t want to admit that i need someone else to solve my problems… these minor problems that are really embarassing to me. secondly, i don’t want to find out that i have no disorder at all and i’m just being dumb and trying to put blame for my own mistakes and actions on mental illness. that diagnosis would only be devastating and quite frankly, detrimental. thirdly, do i really want to be loaded up with meds and potentially get an unnecessary addiction? (this would be the worrier in me talking.) finally, i’m too lazy. like most everything in my life, i’m too lazy to do anything. it’s remarkable that i even bother going to work, but other than my necessary duties to survive, i’m a lazy ass.
yes, so maybe i should just quit bitching about being depressed or suicidal or whatever it happens to be if i’m too lazy to even go get diagnosed? but, this might completely defeat the purpose having a blog where i can do all the bitching i want without unwanted attention. so where am i at now?
i cut myself and it’s just a bit swollen now so back to square one.
bpdokc Said:
on April 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Going to a doctor to get diagnosed is a big step. It’s extremely scary. You’re basically terrified of what the doctor will find or won’t find. I spent years with the diagnosis of clinical depression, but I could never get a doctor to take time to look at my problems as a whole. When I finally got diagnosed as borderline personality disorder, it was a major relief, but I know for many people it would be tragic to get that diagnosis. You have to be ready to get help and face your problems before you go to a doctor. I would advise you go to a doctor BUT only when you’re sure you’re ready.
bomarzo Said:
on April 21, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I encourage you to begin shopping for a professional. Don’t take the first one you see, check out a few until you find one that you’re comfortable with. Ask your general physician or internist for recommendations. I’d print out this blog entry and read it to each potential therapist, but that’s just me. It would at least let the professionals know your concerns about treatment right at the outset.
Everyone is diagnosable as or with something. And, as Jung said, “People who are not neurotic are boring.”
It’s pretty unlikely that you’d get prescribed medication for BPD. What would be more likely would be prescription of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds. Anti-depressant medications are not addictive, although some people do experience withdrawal when weening off certain ones. Most anti-anxiety medications are benzodiazepines, and hence have high potential for addiction. Busporone is an atypical anxiolytic, and has little, if any, addictive properties. A psychiatrist would work with you on these medication issues and concerns, but again, you’d have to tell one. Also, no one can MAKE you take meds unless you’re hospitalized and become a threat to self or others.
Finally, no one else can or will solve your problems but yourself. A therapist can only help you find ways to solve your own problems. That’s the cool thing about it. You end up actually empowered. But, yes, you have to ask for help in doing that.
If nothing else, keep writing!!! Keep connected!!!
LOLA Said:
on April 26, 2008 at 11:39 am
based on your entry, you’re feeling frightened about seeking professional help because you need compassion and trust and some reassurance that you won’t be dismissed or that you won’t be labeled something really negative. do you maybe also feel a little trapped and helpless? it takes a lot of courage even to write these things down, and i feel honored to have found a connection with someone honest.
i’m with bomarzo. and as to letting the therapist/psychiatrist know that you are resistant to treatment: i was sort of bullied into going by the people who loved me, and when i did, i can remember saying those things to the therapist. she said it helped her a lot to know that. i also didn’t want to be one of those mentally ill people. (there aren’t many people who WANT to be sick. you don’t get to decide about getting sick. only about getting better.) it wasn’t fair to my friends to expect them to help me, or to let them stand by while i was cutting myself to pieces. it’s really hard to watch a loved one do that. just like bomarzo said, no one can make you take meds even if they’re prescribed, you don’t have to tell things you’re not ready to say.
treatment takes a long time. i’ve been in treatment for five years and have been up and down, but i’m so much healthier than most of my “healthy” friends and family! and because i don’t have to hide from them anymore, hide my “minor” problems, my “minor” burns and cuts, my relationships have improved. i have a better support system now, so even if i do slide into despair again, i have a network of people who can help me. neither the meds nor the therapist has solved my problems. the meds allowed me the space to be able to sit still and talk to the therapist. the therapist helped me to figure out what the underlying problems are. i mean, things that would trigger me were like, “i suck, i didn’t grade these papers on time.” but that’s not the real issue. and you can’t address the triggers well without getting to the heart of the matter. which, i guess, sounds cliched, but it’s true.
second, you said it yourself in you comment on my entry (thanks by the way!)–self-injury indicates there is a serious problem, and NO PROFESSIONAL will tell you are trying to blame your actions on illness. for me, it was a matter of life or death, and no matter how “minor” i told myself my problems were, they were killing me. i still sort of believe that the cutting doesn’t matter when compared to the feelings that spark the desire to cut. those feelings are big, and real, and most people can’t handle them alone without drowning. asking for help demonstrates a strength that many people (especially in our culture) don’t possess or value, and it’s hard to overcome that.
about taking meds: i love my meds. i take an anti-depressant, a mood-stabilizer, and an anti-psychotic. it took me a long time to get over the stigma, but now that i have, i can function. i don’t know whether i’m addicted to them, but i know i’m not an alcoholic, and i know i’m not addicted to cutting myself any more. the desire still arises, but it doesn’t swallow me. think of it like insulin for diabetics.
sorry for going on and on and on. . . thanks again!!!
unfitting Said:
on April 27, 2008 at 1:07 am
thanks for all your support. and LOLA, glad for your comment so no need to be sorry. i think that i also keep thinking that i haven’t hit rock bottom yet. i haven’t landed in ER yet and i manage and get through life (ha so long as nothing else goes wrong).. and maybe i dramatize my situation too much. maybe i have gone too long playing the victum and never actually try to pull myself out of my own misery. it is just difficult for me to seek help.