Unfitting

…  Three dots might actually be enough said, but then someone might really think that i am crazy.  And anyway, who’s to say i’m not?

another week has gone by, well almost a week, and my souless body chugs away at this thing called life.  i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything which is making me oh so depressed.  and i’m sure that complaining and whining about it rather than putting forth some effort is not going to make me any better.  i wish i knew where my motivation and drive went.  i’ll buy you a nice dinner if you do! 

also, my weight issues have grown as much as my stomach has.  it has really started to bother me now.  it has bothered me to the point that i have started going running two or three times a week (which is saying alot since i never exercised).  this has yielded no results.  i can probably attribute this to eating all day at my office desk and sitting on my butt all day.  you office people know what i’m talking about!  it is considerably tougher to be at the desk with nothing to do, but eat.  so, what do i do?  learn to  starve myself to get my body back?  although i know this is not the answer, i want my body back.  i can hear all that “great” advice about either loving my body for the way it is or eat healthy and exercise in the background.  seeing my fat makes me want to puke, no pun intended.

what is wrong with me?  it has been, what?, 5 years now since i’ve had a friend.  any kind of friend!  so sad.  it feels like i’m the only one here, that i’m somehow not living in the same reality as everyone else.

in the shower, i scratched my arms, my legs, and my stomach nice and hard.  it felt so good having the hot water burn them and turn them bright pink.  it didn’t last very long as i cried.  i was tired and felt like collapsing and not waking up.  i braced myself by sitting on the laundry basket.  the headaches are getting bad.

too tired to type, think, or bother staying awake anymore.