Owww..

I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember.  i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel.  what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong.  pshh like something couldn’t be lurking.  maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late.  ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep.  it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on.  it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been. 

my mind’s in a jumble.  i need help to unscramble! 

i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary..  my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy.  YES, alright!  the infamous excuse about being LAZY.  how could i not?  aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka!  mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!).  mouth salvating.  perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it.  have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..

too much work… ahh. good memories? don’t think so.

ok so i haven’t posted since the first of this month!  these entries get farther and farther apart, unlike PA who blogs every day and is dependable (and this is not just because she’s doing that blog 365 thing.. she would probably blog everyday anyway with insightful and fun material).  well, let’s see.. updates i think are called for.

the beach was fun.  ok fun, not crazy fun.  first of all, we, meaning my boyfriend and i, got lost because we had to make a stop (which i did not think was at all necessary).  this added about an hour and a half to the time it took us and geez it was hot!  yes i know, i will quit the bitching about the heat now, especially since it will be 98 degrees tomorrow (yuck!).  we did some shopping, which i almost now always prefer over staying on the beach since i dont like being seen in a bathing suit.  spent some time on the slots and won $80 which helped out with gas, although it doesn’t even pay for 2 weeks worth.  stupid dumb oil.  but, we did manage to squeeze in a walk across the beach.  that was last weekend.

this short weekend has already past with the looming work week upon me.  less and less looking forward to this.  before i had decided to take on more responsibilities and new projects, which was as of last week, i was comfortable with what i was doing and being able to ask others for help when i needed it.  now i feel like i’m supposed to be the one for others to go to when they need help… so how much do i really know?!  it doesn’t feel like much.  middle of last week, i was taken to see some clients which included some 30 people.  i was sweating and lightheaded by the end.  i don’t recall even an eighth of the group.

now i have to face two big projects due to be delivered by the end of this month, which is shooting my anxiety up through the roof.  it’s hard to breathe just thinking about it.  this also makes me wonder how i can possibly do this job when i can’t even control my anxiety problems.  this does not bring back fond memories as anxiety was a constancy in school.  it was only when i started receiving straight A’s in 5th grade that it started.  gradually, the anxiety grew worse, peaking while in high school and subsequently, grades went down.  slowly, it got a little better in college.. haha yes finally figured something out after 20 years of living?!  course, this doesn’t mean it’s gone.  nowhere near in fact.  ditto on the social anxiety part. 

yesterday, i think i also experienced some hypomania or maybe just insanity.  this lasted for only an hour before sleeping half an hour put it on pause.  *sighs*  drymouth.  vision is being compromised; words i’m typing are blurry and i’m not crying.  i feel that soon i might just collapse into the fetal position and blubber like the big baby that i am.  escalating.  wanting to scream.  wanting to breathe! 

“Get a hold of yourself!”  *hits herself* ah, better.

sorry dear readers for this episode.  talking about anxiety seems to provoke things as much as any other stressful event.  still barely functioning at the moment, i will end this entry by telling you that i will try to get through the rest of this week unscathed.

quick update

considering it’s 4 am and i have to be up for work in about 3 hrs i’m going to make this brief.

i went to my boyfriend’s college graduation yesterday.. WooHoo!  luckily, it wasn’t AS stressful as i expected it to be.  actually the night before was more so, even if I wasn’t the person graduating.  i’m so proud of him.  his little cousins were adorable and troublemakers!  i believe the people in the rows in front and in back of us were quite irritated.  it’s weird how kids don’t care at all because they’re in their own little worlds and don’t understand, but it made me uncomfortable.  i basically didn’t look.  uhm no kids for me!  we had a nice delicious dinner in chinatown as well. 

tonight or rather this morning, i am stuck right between feeling like shit and being okay by avoidance.  i mean right in the middle.  i really have no idea at the moment or the last 4 hours for that matter.  i think i’ve slightly gone from the edge of feeling like shit to the edge of being okay by avoidance.  i’ll see how the rest of today goes…

full moon

has anyone seen it tonight?  or even last night?  it is quite beautiful.  something so mysterious about it.  i feel that something more draws me to it than gravity.  somehow it seems that i am connected to the sky although i have never been obsessed about astronomy nor ever owned a telescope.  when i’m outside at night and stare into the darkness, i feel a sense of belonging.  yes, i know i sound a bit loony. 

early on while sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car and sticking my head slightly out the window, the wind was blowing.. i felt like i couldn’t breathe.  i told him this, but i think he just thought i was being a weirdo.  anyway, the familiar sensation was something between a wonderful lightness and a panicky fear of suffocation.  listening to music only enhances the feelings.  i gave my thoughts about music in another post.  i always wonder if there is someone up there, in some other reality, calling for me..  my heart and thoughts are racing.

yep i am crazy and here is a random post…

what?

okay, i dont know what is going on with me at the moment, but i feel like i’m going crazy.  i’m feeling a sense of shear panic and confusion.  my thoughts are racing and i can’ t focus on a damn thing.  i was trying to figure out if this is cycling or just a panic attack or neither.  anyway, i tried looking it up, rapid cycling i mean, and somehow got distracted to reading about the top cities in the U.S. with the worst allergies or something related to allergies.  i discovered that philadelphia is 25th.  in other words, never got around to looking it up.  i figure somehow writing this post would make my mind focus on something, anything.  i’ m finding, though, that i’m having a tough time spelling and typing and remembering how i got to this state in the first place.  in fact, i can’t remember anything at the moment.  the thoughts are just racing through my mind like crazy and its making me dizzy.  is that a spider?  no… or… no.  great, now i’m starting to hallucinate too.  NO, i am not on any type of drug or medication.  hahah so funny and scary at the same time… it’s like hahah and BOO… get it.  uhm… yeah.  i hope no one reads this.  what am i talking about?  no one reads my damn blog!  so sleepy and so awake.  so freaking cold.  nah this wouldnt be cycling….. just craziness.

wind against my face

i have been feeling like a complete failure and dangerously dead inside as of last night and today.  suicidal idealization has also become rampant in my thoughts of late, perhaps even a bit obsessively.  when a couple of the bad nightmares returned with the weird sensation earlier in the week, i started craving for them.  and unsuccessfully, the last three nights have brought none making me feel, again, a complete failure. 

i went to the park with my sister so that she could take photos of me for her photography class, which i didn’t mind much.  we went to the creek that was there and that we were so familiar with, the one that my mind was so familiar with.  i saw the bright sunlight shining through the branches of the bare trees and listened to the water lapping over the moss covered rocks.  i would dip my shoes into the cool water and the familiar chills went through me.  for those brief moments, i felt happy.  i don’t want anyone to be confused about what i mean by happy.  i’m not referring to the happiness between my lover and i.  i am talking about the happiness with oneself.  i can sure be happy with someone and still not be happy with myself, even if at times it seems impossible.  anyway, i became a bit hyper.. skipping from rock to rock, not really worried about falling in.  the parts that we were at, the creek water was too shallow to drown in.  i know where it isn’t; and i thought about going in.  actually, i used to think about it quite often… becoming soaking wet, waiting for the dark, cold water to fill my lungs, gasping for air..  yes, i know that it would not be an easy death, especially since i can not swim.  already, while i am writing this post, i close my eyes and drift somewhere else.

that was the first suicidal idealization of the day.  the second occurred driving home tonight.  it has been unseasonably warm the last two days, which i thoroughly enjoyed don’t get me wrong.  i opened the windows in the car and felt the wind against my face.  i felt the happiness and lightness from earlier in the day.  only this time, the need to jump off the bridge was almost overwhelming.  i wanted to close my eyes and not remember.  course i didn’t or else, this post would not exist. 

*sighs*  i love this group, PlayRadioPlay!  i have to admit, though, that it is making me even more depressed.  i think it’s time for me to climb under the warm covers, put on my earphones, cut and cry away.

hypomania or maybe not?

i can’t shake this feeling since i’ve gotten home from work.  it’s making me want to blow my brains out (not literally).  first of all, i got chest pains again.  nowadays more often.  ugh they’re coming back in a vengence.  maybe it means i have heart disease and will drop dead tomorrow morning on the way to work.  i also have had a huge migraine.  the chest pains were fortunately short-lived.  i can’t say the same for the migraine.  die migraine, die!  i’ve been increasingly irritable as the night wears on.. maybe that’s why i kept snapping at my boyfriend.  my head’s just in a whirlwind right now.  so dizzy and tired, but can’t sleeppp.  keep dropping my head onto the corner of the desk about to sleep and BAM, the wave of dizziness hits me.  my heart’s also pounding like crazy.  great, anxiety of god knows what on top of everything else.  need to cut so i can just think of something else.  can’t breathe. 

//edit// i think i’ve just gone through a manic episode, mild but it didn’t feel that way.  as you can probably tell from my ramblings above, that’s how it started.  course for the last three hours, i felt like i was asleep, in another world.  i’m pretty sure i was acting crazy, saying stuff, laughing for no apparent reason, and talking jibberish to * over the phone and ** cracking up.  * got fed up and told me to go to sleep.  i just laid in bed staring at the ceiling until i fell into a dreamlike state that didn’t feel like sleep.  eventually, my body ended up shaking a bit, uncontrollably.  i just had to grab myself out of bed and throw myself back into reality.  finally, i “woke” up and now am a bit scared of the dark as well as scared of myself… slightly more awake and slightly more drained…

in need of a little lemon throwing…

earlier tonight, i hadn’t realized when i fell asleep or that i was even tired?  it could have been due to being hyper.  i was screaming jokingly at * in jealous fits of rage.  i guess i was really jealous, but also hyper to the point of not being able to stop myself after some time.  i also decided to start singing, badly, the music i heard in the backround.  other than those, i don’t remember what we talked about.  i knew that that hyperness would inevitably take me down, as it always does.  somehow i was asleep for maybe three hours when i woke up abruptly with all my things laying on my bed.  i debated whether or not to go back to sleep and decided against it on the chance that i might get a headache from sleeping too much the next morning (or more accurately this morning).  i decided to wrap a present (damn when will christmas be over with?!?!) and read some posts.  i instead spent the first hour crying for unknown reasons, but i finally got to what i was gonna do.  unfortunately and fortunately i have become addicted to reading posts on wordpress!  just now, i’ve been reading posts by PA.  don’t worry, i’m not a stalker, just an avid blog reader .  anyway, i just really like this one thing she wrote on this post.  “If life gives you lemons, throw them back at the fucker who gave them to you in the first place. Hard.”  there are people who are really good quoting others, can pull them out of their asses at the most perfect times, but i am not one of them.  although i admit so, i love this quote because i feel like some people take advantage and feel the right to do so when they don’t.  i may not be a saint, but there are times when i wish people would care a little, appreciate me…  i don’t want to keep hoping.  anyway, i’d like to throw some fucking lemons right now.