Gone and Back In 2 Months

From the title, you might think I went on some exciting vacation of sort.  Not the case.  Posting to wordpress hasn’t been on top of my to-do list (well if a to-do list actually existed).  I mean it took me a bit to even remember what the site was and what my username was.  It’s amazing how absence degrades your memory..

Well, the first line in this post isn’t quite a lie.  Mid-October, I did get to go to Maryland with the boyfriend for a weekend and that was fun.  Not so much the pooring rain that one day…  There was alot of walking though, being quite touristy, and we didn’t get mugged or anything which was an obvious plus!  I took too many pictures.  I officially turned into one of those annoying Asian people taking pictures of absolutely everything in the event that I will either get amnesia or altzheimers.  In fact, we are in the midst of planning a trip to new york city, ah my beloved birthplace.  That is not going so well.  Too late to really book for middle of December and too expensive.  Wouldn’t it be so great to have so much money.. **dreams**

Late October, surprise, I went to a halloween party even with my social anxiety.  **claps**  Don’t be so proud.  I was dragged there, costume and everything.  Flapper.  Cold.  Bad idea.  The hostess, someone the boyfriend works with, was great.  All funny and cheery, nothing like me.  I was lucky enough to weasel myself out of a party the following night.  Hell if I was going to do another one!

November has flown by quickly.  Not much happening but eating out too much, but so much yummy food.  Although, there was one Japanese place that was, by far, the WORST restaurant I have ever been to.  WORST service.  I mean I am one of those really lenient people, won’t say anything unless something’s seriously wrong.  I am STILL waiting for a damn refund.  I am planning to call them every day until I get it!  Anyway, no more talk of that.  It makes my blood pressure go up.

On the emotional front, things have been pretty uneventful.  I am happy with the boyfriend.  I have thought about, but have not self-harmed in quite a while at least 2 months now.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to suppress those thoughts completely.  It makes me tired.  Even though I get the recommended hours of sleep per night, for the most part, I am still getting those occasional nightmares.  Not the monsters hiding in the closet, but the monsters in people hurting me.  Suggestive of me still not trusting and fearing people?  Also, I think I have a heightened sense of smell and touch.  Always putting me into euphoric states.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

Well, hopefully December is nice.  I do have to worry about annual reviews at work.  Blah.  Too tired now to talk anymore.  Have a good night.

celebrity overkill

i had a weirddd dream two nights ago, which i never got around to posting until now, and it lasted at most 45 minutes.  at the same time, it was cool. 

i was at a party held by my childhood friend and was there with my girl friend, who was not revealed in the beginning of the dream.  it wasn’t a big party.  i was there being “normal”, laughing and joking around with people there.  ryan seacrest, from American Idol, was there, drunk off his high horse.  his face was beet red and he was five minutes away from keeling over.  everyone was laughing with him, or maybe at him.. i couldn’t tell.  jason biggs, jim from the American Pie series, was also there.  apparently, everyone were friends.  something happened and i had ended up promising jason a tv.  we talked a bit more and then i left, or at least tried to leave.  the house looked big from the outside, but was kind of small inside.  i walked up the driveway only to find my car not there.  i wondered where the hell it was.  i looked up and down the street and still no car.  i started to panic.  did someone steal my car?  a little indian girl was standing next to the dumpster (don’t know how a dumpster appeared) and she stopped me.  “aren’t you going to give him (jason) his tv?”  “later, i’m busy,” i replied.  “but…” she was saying before i left her there.  i went back inside and someone told me that a girl took my car.  she was someone that just looked annoying.  then, i was angry.  not long after, she come back roaring into the driveway with my car, parking it sloppy.  i was about to give her a piece of my mind when a bmw drove up.  my childhood friend went up to it and greeted the driver.  “watch my car!”  people were admiring the leather seats and all the buttons and accessories.  i ended up not leaving and just going back to the party.  i guess a group of us, four of us that were closest, stayed over.  don’t know if part of the reason was that ryan was passed out from drinking.  anyway, we woke up in the wee hours of the morning and it was still dark.  inside, the house was even darker.  i don’t think we were supposed to be staying at the house considering it belonged to jason’s parents and they didn’t know about the party or us staying.  i got up while everyone was still sleeping and tried to sneak out of the house.  there was quite a distance between where we were at and the door.  i was barely down the stairs and the lights turned on.  shit!  i started walking faster, but the parents saw me.  the dad was craig nelson, hayden fox from the old tv series Coach, and you can just imagine that mad look on his face.  he came chasing after me and by then, everyone else woke up.  i pretty much sprinted across the living room and then noticed that the front door was bolted up tight.  i don’t just mean a dead bolt, but like 6 locks on the thing!  i couldn’t figure it out and he was catching up so i dashed to the door that led to the backyard.  i could faintly hear someone yelling, “don’t go out that way!”  i ran into the yard and of course, set off the sprinkler system.  they were set up in a circle for some odd reason.  i ran through another patch and again more water.  i was completely wet and then cold from the early morning air.  it was kind of funny and fun.  “wait!”  i heard my friend cry out.  she ran through the sprinklers too.  she finally caught up to me and her identity was revealed.  she was ellen page, or Juno.  she was exactly how she was like in the movie except not pregnant.  i saw a moving truck, the ones with the open backs.  i ran up to it and grabbed onto one of the metal poles with both hands and hoisted myself up.  my friend did the same.  the guys cried out to us, but we were barely in earshot.  we were screaming and laughing with the wind in our face.  it wasn’t very long.  then, we found that the guys caught up to us.  we jumped off the side of the truck, but saw that the parents were still running up the street, chasing after everyone.  off we were again.  i ran first and saw another truck, but this time couldn’t get a good grasp.  “what are you doing?  are you crazy?” the guys were saying.  “it’s fun,” said my friend.  i saw a white van and although there was nothing to grab hold of, i managed to get onto the side of the van.  my friend followed. 

then my dream ended… it was so weird to be dreaming about all those celebrities.  it could have been one of those stupid teen movies minus myself.

wild wild west meets country

let me write about my dream before i forget it all..

ugh what i just wrote i accidentally erased… really annoying just want to break this computer!

i was in a small old shopping center that seemed to resemble those saloons from the old days in the west.  i m ean the walls were made out of wood, the floor was made out of wood, and there were even cowboys walking around.  the bartender even wore a white shirt buttoned to his neck, a black apron, one of those texas necklaces hung around his neck, and small frames rested on the bridge of his nose as we wiped the glass mugs on the counter.  the few shops that were there were actually quite empty.  it seemed that everyone was eating in the saloons.  someone came by in a rush with a little girl, maybe 8 years old, and gave me the task of watching her until the boss came by to pick her up.  for some reason, the girl and i were both dressed normally, not like cowgirls.  anyway i walked around with her, and soon, she grew real bored of me.  she started running away from me and bugging other people who were there.  i kept trying to catch her.  i also was in a dire need to go to the bathroom.  i wondered if i could hold out because i couldn’t bring her with me.  i looked around for a bathroom.  when i found one, it was closed!   it actually had some kind of lock on it where you had to slide a card through it to get in.  i tried asking the bartender and he didn’t respond.  then, my brother had entered the picture and i told him what i was doing.  he was an employee there.  he said he had the card to the bathroom, but he wasn’t on his shift so he couldn’t use it.  this was stupid.  the boss had arrived which was the same time someone let on that there was another bathroom around the corner.  unfortunately, i never made it.  i took the girl to him, but apparently i was going to.

next thing i know, i was in some kind of hospital, not high tech and it was in the west.  i stood over the bed to look at the patient.  it was a girl a few years older than the girl i had watched earlier and a few years younger than me.  her skin was pale and she was breaking out with a fever; the sweat glistened on her face and neck.  her eyes, though closed, would squint every once in awhile.  i brushed the hair off her forehead.  i asked the doctor what she had.  of course, he didn’t know.  maybe she caught something.  the little girl and the boss came by to see how she was.  they were worried about her.  i think they were my family.  the little girl and the patient were my sisters.  a girl friend my age also dropped by to send her condolences like my sister was going to die or something.  i told her, “she will be fine.” “are you sure?  this seems serious,” she replied.  i looked back at my sister in confusion.  i became flustered.  everyone, the doctor, the nurses, and my family members, were talking around me about the situation.  i just wanted to leave and get some fresh air.

soon enough, i left with the girl friend and we sat in some kind of interrogation room, but this is the one that you might see in an FBI facility.  she sat across from me.  i pulled out a series of pages and started reading.  “that’s not going to help.  what is that going to do,” she said to me.  i stopped listening to her and continued to read from the pages, repeating at times.  we went back to the hospital after a few hours and low and behold, my sister was waking up!  “it had worked!” i told myself.  my sister still was not talking.  i touched her forehead and she immediately tried to push my hand away.  she shook her head fervently as if to cry out no.  she tried to talk, to maybe warn me, but couldn’t.  i walked away, a bit confused.  no one else noticed.  i walked down the dirt path and pass the wooden cabin with the porch.  it was a beautiful blue sky but the sun seemed to get bigger.  its rays were really beaming down on me.  i was getting really hot and lightheaded.  i felt my skin and it was burning.  i started to sweat all over.  i continued to walk, and suddenly i collapsed on the dirt path.  my eyes were closed and my head spun.  i felt the rocks beneath my body, but couldn’t get myself up.  i was basically paralyzed, physically and mentally.  i black out for a bit before waking up in the wooden cabin that i had seen earlier. 

i laid in a cot and an old fat indian lady was hovering me.  the many wrinkles on her tough tan skin showed her age.  her gray hair in a bun was tinseled with white.  she had the typical feathers and indian jewelry on her.  she worse things of different colorful fabrics.  neither of us tried to say anything.  i was still sweating and quite sick, but i was awake.  she fed me something and not before long, i felt rejuvenated.  i literally jumped out of the cot and ran out the door.  she stared at me as i went.  it felt so good.  i skipped up the path in such a jolly mood.  i heard from off in the distance, my friend screaming my name.  while i ran up the hill i saw the blue sky once again, but this time it wasn’t extremely hot.  it was beautiful actually.  i heard birds chirping and i saw more and more green grass, taller green grass.  i felt a cool breeze and it was delicious.  i followed the sounds of the birds to this large meadow.  there were groups of different colored roses all over.  i went ahead and picked out a yellow one and placed in my hair behind my right ear.  my friend finally had caught up, “what are you doing?? you can’t pick those!”  i said, “why the hell not?”  and skipped into the meadow.  she had to chase me down.  everthing just smelled so nice and it was such a beautiful day that i felt so happy!  then, this old couple looked at us from their cottage.  the woman had a dress filled with tiny blue flowers on and a white apron on top.  the man had on a dirty white shirt and faded blue denim overalls on top.  he did not have a pitchfork.    my friend tried to stop me and that didn’t work.  the man called us over.  i looked at her and she looked back at me.  i headed over.  “wait!” she cried.  she proceeded to follow me.  i followed the couple into the cottage.  there were stacks of paper with text on them all over the cottage.  i was amazed by them.  another guy came out, younger and must have been their son.  he was blind.  he put his hands over the sheets of paper and read them like braille.  “look for any papers with power wire written at the type and put them aside,” the old man ordered us.  we did so and his son did so too.  “why do we have to do this?” i asked.  “do you want to die?” the old man asked in a nonthreatening manner.  it was more like doing it would save my life.  i looked at my friend and she looked right back at me.

then i woke up.  my head is spinning right now.  i should have waited a little before typing, but then i would have forgotten it all.  i basically forget the nightmare that i had right before this one about being chased by giant bully in the wildnerness on the side of a mountain.  so what do you think the dream means?

it’s a showdown

Finally had a nightmare.  Although I hadn’t expected it, which is probably why I had one.

Part 1:

The setting was always dark or cast in low light and taken place in one day.  I was at some type of school?  I knew and was friends with this group of people, a group that looked nothing like the group I hung out with in high school or any other time for that matter.  It was easy to see that I got along with them.  Next thing I remember is that I ran up this wide road to catch up to them, who had their backs turned to me and walking next to each other side by side.  I turned this one particular guy, maybe mexican or spanish, stocky, and normally gentle, around.  He said,”What??”  I was shocked by his curtness.  I tried to ignore it and be friendly.  He, as well as they, continued to push me away.  I didn’t understand.  He suddenly shoved me with a push to the chest.  “Hey!” I cried.  I shoved him back.  He shoved me harder.  I shoved him equally as hard.  The students had already gathered around us to see what was going on.  The pushing went back and forth until I quit.  I let them go.  The ring of students broke so that they could leave.  I saw them walk away until they disappeared over the road into the fog.

Part 2:

It was night.  My best friend (who does not exist) and I was standing on the rooftop of a brick residential building of maybe a couple of stories.  “How about that one?” she asked me.  “Nah, it’s so boring and plain,” I replied.  We were staring into an almost empty room of someone who had recently moved out in the apartment across from the one that we were standing on.  “How come you found such a great place?”  “I don’t know,” I said without letting on that it wasn’t such a great place.  She wasn’t aware of this, and she moved on to point to another room.  Every one of them, I would answer that they were not the right one or there was a possibility.  Still, she did not notice anything amiss.  By this time in the nightmare, I realized that we were in Manhattan.  The abundance of posh apartments was a dead give away.  She finally saw one that she absolutely loved.  I gave her a maybe.  The longer she stared at it, the more she wanted it.  As I started to see that, I tried with all my might to lure her away.  My efforts were fruitless.

Part 3:

 The next part took place back at my apartment, more like the building in which I resided.  The two story Manhattan apartment, which was actually more like a house, belonged to a young, trendy gentleman.  There was a long, white spiral stairway with a wooden banister leading from the first floor to the second floor.  Upstairs, the space was completely open so all the rooms could be seen from any vantage point.  I half sat, half laid down on the bench outside one of the rooms with one leg swinging.  I heard people chattering.  As the sound grew louder, a group of people were led upstairs by the gentleman on a tour of the house.  Reason was unknown.  The group consisted of mostly men.  (This seems to be one common theme in my nightmares.  I should probably address this one day.)  Anyway, they stared at me and I stared back.  Before I knew it, they charged at me.  This time, unlike my other nightmare, each one felt MY wrath.  I pummelled them with my fists, kicked them over, and knocked each one down like bowling pins.  I was heaving, but I felt mighty proud of myself.  I was some kind of mutant, maybe something similar to those in X-Men.  I’m sure my heart was racing while I dreamt this. 

Part 4:

I crouched down in the pitch blackness of the apartment.  From below, I overheard the guy’s phone conversation.  “Oh, she’s gone.”  Short pause.  “No, no.  I have her locked down there.  She shouldn’t be a problem.”  Long pause.  Meanwhile, I was moving through the darkness so that I could hear him better.  Still crouched.  “Yes, of course, it is ashame what happened earlier.  She is crazy, insane really.  I only took her in because I needed her.”  I bit my lip.  I teared up.  “I’m getting ready right now.  See ya later.”  Short pause. “Yeah, bye.”  I heard him push the off button on the phone.  I bit my lip harder, tasted a little blood, and slinked closer.  I heard him put his belt on, the metal pieces clinking against another.  Soon enough, I was at the foot of the stairs.  His shadow grew long as it came down the stairs.  Hunched in the darkest corners, staring intently, angry with rage, I waited for my prey.  He would get no mercy from me.

And that was the end of my nightmare.  I only wish I got to find out the ending, but I had work this morning which woke me up.  Interesting eh?

wind against my face

i have been feeling like a complete failure and dangerously dead inside as of last night and today.  suicidal idealization has also become rampant in my thoughts of late, perhaps even a bit obsessively.  when a couple of the bad nightmares returned with the weird sensation earlier in the week, i started craving for them.  and unsuccessfully, the last three nights have brought none making me feel, again, a complete failure. 

i went to the park with my sister so that she could take photos of me for her photography class, which i didn’t mind much.  we went to the creek that was there and that we were so familiar with, the one that my mind was so familiar with.  i saw the bright sunlight shining through the branches of the bare trees and listened to the water lapping over the moss covered rocks.  i would dip my shoes into the cool water and the familiar chills went through me.  for those brief moments, i felt happy.  i don’t want anyone to be confused about what i mean by happy.  i’m not referring to the happiness between my lover and i.  i am talking about the happiness with oneself.  i can sure be happy with someone and still not be happy with myself, even if at times it seems impossible.  anyway, i became a bit hyper.. skipping from rock to rock, not really worried about falling in.  the parts that we were at, the creek water was too shallow to drown in.  i know where it isn’t; and i thought about going in.  actually, i used to think about it quite often… becoming soaking wet, waiting for the dark, cold water to fill my lungs, gasping for air..  yes, i know that it would not be an easy death, especially since i can not swim.  already, while i am writing this post, i close my eyes and drift somewhere else.

that was the first suicidal idealization of the day.  the second occurred driving home tonight.  it has been unseasonably warm the last two days, which i thoroughly enjoyed don’t get me wrong.  i opened the windows in the car and felt the wind against my face.  i felt the happiness and lightness from earlier in the day.  only this time, the need to jump off the bridge was almost overwhelming.  i wanted to close my eyes and not remember.  course i didn’t or else, this post would not exist. 

*sighs*  i love this group, PlayRadioPlay!  i have to admit, though, that it is making me even more depressed.  i think it’s time for me to climb under the warm covers, put on my earphones, cut and cry away.

left beaten

i had yet another nightmare last night, well Wednesday night, and it wasn’t pretty… maybe that’s why i didn’t get any good sleep and was tired all day.

part 1:

The setting is a large, open, and extravagant mansion, one you might see in that tv show Cane.  I felt like I was on the set, though I’ve never watched an episode.  The “mob boss”, who resembled Sonny from General Hospital with the black hair and the anger management issues, entered through the back sliding doors.  Everyone stopped in their tracks.  He greeted a few of the guards with a smile, handshake, and offisde comment.  Then, he came to me and said, “Here!”  He handed me $50 in tens.  I took it immediately, but upon thinking about my action, handed back 4 tens.  “No, no.  Take the whole thing,” he said.  I replied,”Oh, I can’t.  I appreciate it, but I will only take ten; that is enough.”  I hugged the ten dollar bill to my chest.  He patted my head and left.

Part 2:

I was still at the house, but in a different room.  There was a small gathering or party going on.  Everyone was sitting down eating and drinking.  The only material thing I can actually remember is the big drink dispenser with enough fruit cocktails for everyone.  I got one for myself and sat in between a guy and a girl, both with drinks already in their hands.  I was clumsy; I almost knocked over the girl’s drink.  I apologized, but she told me, “No need to!”  We made small talk.  In other words, I was all but myself.  I soon realized that I was doing something wrong because the “mob boss” came in and slapped me across the cheek.  At that time, I realized that I was his wife in the nightmare.

Part 3:

I was stunned and cowering in front of him.  The slap stung, but I wasn’t worried about it as he pulled me aside violently.  I was scared of him then, hurt, and embarrassed that everyone was watching the scene unfold.  He led a painful assault, slapping me several more times, pulling me by the collar to be close enough to his dark face that I felt his screams and seemingly incoherent ramblings reverbating my being.  I stared straight at the large, colored tiles on the opposite wall.  Some of them had pictures or something on them that I don’t remember the significance now.  I didn’t cry or cry out.  And as suddenly as he had entered, he stopped hitting.  He wiped the blood dribbling out of the corner of my mouth and stared at me solemnly for a moment.  He apologized curtly, upon which he left.  Everyone turned away as if I might not have known they were watching, but I knew.  I tried acting normal, cleaning and scrubbing the marble floors (which doesn’t seem normal in itself, as this was a party).  A guy walked over to help and asked if I was okay.  I nodded, although no one believed it i’m sure.  He tried to make me laugh; I was grateful for his helpful spirit, but I hated the pity.

Afterthought:

If I wasn’t being abused, would they have cared or worried about me then?  If I didn’t know the people in the house, would they have taken a second look or tried to help?  As I continue to write blogs about my feelings, will anyone notice them?  Might they affect someone how they have affected me?  This whole thing about writing and wanting to feel beat up makes me think that when I self-harmed, it was in part, due to attention-seeking pains.

i just woke up from a 3 or 4 hour nap, actually awaken by a phone call.  I was in the middle of another nightmare, which now is a distant memory.  I can’t recall anything from it.  too bad, i would have another post for tomorrow.

neverending nightmare

i fell asleep relatively early last night, actually collapsed on my bed at midnight after getting home.  perhaps long after that, i was in one of my bad dreams.  i believe this since my nightmares are actually really short compared to how long they feel like to me.  i remember that me and my siblings were being rushed to the train station by my grandparents for reasons now forgotten.  my siblings were yards ahead of me so i pointed them to go left, not realizing that i sent them to the wrong train.  when realizing my mistake, i run up to the booth and ask the lady if i can get them because they were going to get on the wrong train.  she wouldn’t let me!  i begged and pleaded.  soon, i started yelling and crying at her.  i actually had a mental breakdown and ended up breaking something glass into a million pieces on the floor with everyone staring at me.  i was in a blubbering heap.  the guards/policemen came and had me taken away.  i had done something really bad and they put me in prison, although my nightmare skipped the ordeal of being admitted.  so, i’m alone in this small, dirty prison cell with one cot, a sink, and a toilet.  i had been there for weeks.  what was weird was that i was a guy in my nightmare and i had a girlfriend.  we were in love and she would visit me.  i would get into fights with the other inmates, in turn, getting me more prison time.  soon, i didn’t care anymore, about life, about anything.  i laid in my cot, didn’t move.  i left the tray of food where the guards slid it in and no longer chose to eat.  my ribs started showing and i had a hard time breathing, but i would take it.  i started getting that cold chilling, but exhilirating feeling in my bones that i was about to die, that my soul was leaving my body.  see, i get this feeling occasionally when i dream.  when i realize it, i try to keep the nightmare going as long as i can and this time was no different.  back to the nightmare.  my girlfriend decided she could no longer handle the emotional stress and left me.  at the same time, i was permitted to leave my cell and go to this office, but someone kept beating and kicking me.  i somehow find out that one of my siblings had released some pamphlets with writing about the corruption in the government.  they were written in different languages and i tried to smuggle them in, which is where my nightmare ended.  i couldn’t extend my dream any longer; it was giving me a headache which i still have now.  there is still alot of my experience that i don’t remember.  i really have weird dreams..