sleep, sleep, and more sleep

it’s been over a month since i last posted, so at this rate, you might think that i’ve been sleeping all this time.  honestly, sleeping 10 hrs (used to be uncommon for me) everyday is freaking me out a bit.  i keep trying to pin it on work and getting older.  yes, aging is rearing it’s ugly head.  it’s been a year and a half since graduating college and 5 and a half years since graduating high school!  the time has just flown by.  it doesn’t help that i feel that work is becoming all i know and ever knew. 

next to sleep, i’ve also become very short-tempered.. not a good thing at all for the boyfriend.  things bug me even more now.  i snap all the time.  driving is becoming a bit unbearable.  seriously.. do drivers like to slow way down before a red light so i can tailgate them to get into the left lane?  i stared down one driver as he drove by.  i wanted to get out and give him a piece of my mind.  also, insurance.  i hate it.  really dumb medicaid system they have in America.  although i don’t need it, i’m indirectly involved in it.  it makes no freaking sense to me!  Medicaid is free and adultbasic, which is the alternative option (not really an option if you ask me), has a monthly premium.  Now, income limits and all that comes into play with both.  No one is allowed to have both and no one is permitted to choose which one to be in.  if you have adultbasic and you end up qualifying for medicaid, they drop you.  then, if you don’t qualify for medicaid when you reapply (which you have to do every 6 months), you get dropped and have to reapply for the adultbasic.  not even the worst of it.. you get put onto a fucking waiting list for god knows how long, so there is a significant amount of time that great America leaves your health in the reliable hands of luck.  what the fuck is that?!

i think just being able to talk about some of my issues here has brought my blood pressure up.  surprisingly, i’ve never had high blood pressure.  i’ve been finding myself holding my breathe, internalizing the anger, and getting really tense.  the only thing is, i don’t realize it until it’s too late.

anger then leads to thought and guilt and leads to self-hatred and bad thoughts.

i’m tired, lacking focus, and really lazy.  stagnant.  i just feel bad for the boyfriend dealing with my shit.  i dont think we, as people with mental disorders, realize how much we affect our loved ones.  it’s a bit frustrating and debilitating on the spirit.

alright, i HAVE to say one good thing in today’s post.  me and the boyfriend were in the city early this evening and we had a chance after shopping and walking around a bit, to sit in the park and drink a cold latte.  it was wonderfully refreshing.  it was the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze blowing.  there were lots of people to watch and cute dogs to see.  something so calming and relaxing about it.  kind of reminded of being a child and running around carefree in the park near my first home in new york city.  the reality of life has made me grown cold and times like that with the boyfriend has worked the warmth back in again.

also, i haven’t really self-harmed or thought about it as much.  course, that could be due to not having time to actually think about it.  my issues still haven’t been resolved and i’m still pushing through, but at least i dont have to worry about my arms.  a little at a time.  ah.

letter to my love #1

i have to start out by apologizing to you.  i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me.  i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions.  they are dark moments in my life.  i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind.  i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement. 

i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness.  honestly, i have good times as well.  more good times than bad in fact.  if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night.  i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together.  i also have my siblings and work to thank for it.  i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful.  this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me.  we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind.  and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.

i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me.  i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person.  the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t.  so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway).  i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.

so, i only ask you to try to be understanding.  don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced.  don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me.  don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t.  just love me as i love you.

Love with all my heart,

Amy

blah

…  Three dots might actually be enough said, but then someone might really think that i am crazy.  And anyway, who’s to say i’m not?

another week has gone by, well almost a week, and my souless body chugs away at this thing called life.  i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything which is making me oh so depressed.  and i’m sure that complaining and whining about it rather than putting forth some effort is not going to make me any better.  i wish i knew where my motivation and drive went.  i’ll buy you a nice dinner if you do! 

also, my weight issues have grown as much as my stomach has.  it has really started to bother me now.  it has bothered me to the point that i have started going running two or three times a week (which is saying alot since i never exercised).  this has yielded no results.  i can probably attribute this to eating all day at my office desk and sitting on my butt all day.  you office people know what i’m talking about!  it is considerably tougher to be at the desk with nothing to do, but eat.  so, what do i do?  learn to  starve myself to get my body back?  although i know this is not the answer, i want my body back.  i can hear all that “great” advice about either loving my body for the way it is or eat healthy and exercise in the background.  seeing my fat makes me want to puke, no pun intended.

what is wrong with me?  it has been, what?, 5 years now since i’ve had a friend.  any kind of friend!  so sad.  it feels like i’m the only one here, that i’m somehow not living in the same reality as everyone else.

in the shower, i scratched my arms, my legs, and my stomach nice and hard.  it felt so good having the hot water burn them and turn them bright pink.  it didn’t last very long as i cried.  i was tired and felt like collapsing and not waking up.  i braced myself by sitting on the laundry basket.  the headaches are getting bad.

too tired to type, think, or bother staying awake anymore.

personality disorder?

i was reading this blog entry by BPD in OKC about remission for borderline personality disorder.  i never considered it as something i might have, but realized that while her entry listed 9 criteria for having the disorder and not having 5 of them would constitute as being in remission i fit most of the criteria!  then i found this test from www.SimilarMinds.com and took their personality disorder test.  these are my results:

the top three that i had, all in the 70 – 80% range, happened to be of a different type according to them.  Schizoid for eccentric (78%), borderline for dramatic (74%), and obsessive-compulsive for anxious (70%).  i already knew i had symptoms of the latter, but the other two were kind of a surprise.  then again, many of the symptoms for one appear in other disorders.  i could probably make it sound as if i had them all! 

i guess this only answer would be to have a professional diagnose me, which i have a problem doing.  first of all, i don’t want to admit that i need someone else to solve my problems… these minor problems that are really embarassing to me.  secondly, i don’t want to find out that i have no disorder at all and i’m just being dumb and trying to put blame for my own mistakes and actions on mental illness.  that diagnosis would only be devastating and quite frankly, detrimental.  thirdly, do i really want to be loaded up with meds and potentially get an unnecessary addiction?  (this would be the worrier in me talking.)  finally, i’m too lazy.  like most everything in my life, i’m too lazy to do anything.  it’s remarkable that i even bother going to work, but other than my necessary duties to survive, i’m a lazy ass.

yes, so maybe i should just quit bitching about being depressed or suicidal or whatever it happens to be if i’m too lazy to even go get diagnosed?  but, this might completely defeat the purpose having a blog where i can do all the bitching i want without unwanted attention.  so where am i at now? 

i cut myself and it’s just a bit swollen now so back to square one.

impending doom

in the last few days, my anxiety level has shot up.  before that, i had started worrying that i was gaining weight.  it would be easy to concede to someone that 2 or 3 pounds is nothing, but i would be lying.  i never really worried about my weight before, but i think there are reasons for this.  

when i was younger, i really didn’t care about my appearance AT ALL.  i don’t even think i thought about weight.  and i mean, as long as i looked human, why did i need to care?  when my depression started, i cared even less.  my emotional issues were overconsuming so i didn’t even realize that i stopped eating.  i never felt hungry.  i went days without eating entire meals.  if i did schoolwork; it would be right through dinnertime.  my parents were rarely home for dinner anyway, and this allowed for it to go on (not that i blame them).  i would cut and bruise my arms, but still did not notice that i could hold my wrist and my thumb and pinky would touch or that my ribs were showing.  people would say things as the years went by, but i dismissed them.  two years ago, i started getting better so i ate more.  my bf introduced me to restaurants and different foods, which i appreciate greatly.  food is a great experience.  still, while my moods change, i have kept the same attitude that i can just eat whatever without having to consider my weight.

i was 104 and now am at 110, so what the hell?!  i wonder when joking about my own stomach flubber is going to internalize as hatred and externalize as cuts or bruises.  neither has happened yet.  at the moment, i’m still in the stage where i worry to the point that i can’t breathe sometimes.  i keep thinking i gained another pound, i gained another, and another…  look at my belly.  look at my thighs.  i look pregnant.  awfully sickening.  i could exercise; i tell myself i will.  i hate exercising which is good because i’m too lazy too.  my laziness, no motivation, no drive.

if that wasn’t bad enough, my teeth are contributing to my rising anxiety.  the top wisdom teeth are coming in and for a few days now, while biting down, they have been hurting the skin on the bottom where they haven’t come in yet.  i have the bad feeling that i’m going to have to have them pulled.  DREAD.  i’m scared of dentists, doctors, etc.  i dont want to find out something is wrong with me.  i don’t want to end up with some dentist that is horrible and pull all my teeth out or something.  i’m just waiting for the teeth nightmares to start.  only once did i ever have one. 

everyday i am reminded of these two worries, and they are not my only.  i am having pains in my chest and my stomach.  i dont know if these are due to eating unhealthy or the anxiety or a combination of both.  i feel like ripping the fat off my stomach and thighs.  i feel like cutting or bruising.  i want it to turn purple and blue.  i want to bite my lip and taste blood.  i feel like taking a shitload of pills and passing out and never waking up.  everything hurts.

why can’t things just be simple?

this morning, i awoke in a haze to hearing my parents arguing.  soon my mom left to go to work and i could only manage that somewhat sleeping somewhat awake state.  i was sitting up in bed and my dad walked in.  put his sweaty hand on my back and proceeded to tell me that he was going to work.  “okay, bye,” i said expressionless and without looking.  this is the usual response.  as if i cared that he was leaving.  i shook off the sweaty feeling on my back and was about to write a post about how he annoyed me, but somehow got distracted.  i should have known that this day would have eventually ended up in the gutter. 

by early afternoon, it was decided that my sister and i were going to go on a shopping trip.  this made for a pleasant afternoon.  i love how shopping gets your mind off things, even if for only a few hours.  evening went fine with watching national geographic clips with her.  dad came home at the usual 10:00 p.m.  and everything went downhill from there. 

i had to touch his dirty cell phone to put in some numbers into his phonebook.  then, he started talking to me about him buying a house and renting rooms out.  he mentioned that my name was going to be added.  i was outraged to say the least.  he could have fucking bothered to ask me before deciding.  i told him this.  “i’m asking you now,” he said.  “don’t add my name.” he replied with some excuse.  “don’t add my name,” i repeated.  i asked him other questions, tight-lipped, like isn’t it going to… and aren’t you going to have to… and what if… i was getting more information, but i was not about ready to add some potential problems to my plate.   seriously, what fucking right does he have to assume that i will follow him around all willy nilly, wanting to do the things that he wants to do?  i also have a serious problem with people thinking that i should do certain things because everyone else is doing them, that they seem to be things done out of love when those same people have no problem with taking short cuts and recommend acts that are technically illegal even if minor.  yes, i have a fear of the law.  i am fucking afraid of doing things because i might be caught even though i most likely won’t be.  so quit pressuring me and stop being so damn selfish and ignorant. 

for me, i don’t need many things to be happy, just the important things.  i want and prefer things to be simple.  i don’t need a fancy car, a big house, alot of friends, or a $50,000+ job.  it sounds so cliche, but it is true.  money really just ruins relationships with others and yourself.  all i will be able to think about is the money because i have been trained by my family, by people i know, and by the media because that is what matters in america.  if that is not what they intended, they certainly did a shitty job of it.  i would absolutely be content with having a car that worked the way it was supposed to and got me around, a small house or nice apartment, a few friends, and a job that was enough for my living expenses and to save and a little extra to dine out and shop.  i would want my family and relatives to be happy.  i would be happy with waking up with my boyfriend, going to work on the weekdays, and coming home to him to watch tv or dine out or do something in the city, and on the weekends we would go to the city and have cultural experiences.  the only extravagant thing i would like is to be able to travel.  otherwise, i want things to be simple.  i want my life to be simple. 

so i had two choices, which was either to have every future day anxiety ridden and he get his way or to not have additional issues on my plate and instead, have to look from the hallway railing at his sorry self on the couch watching tv every night.  not once did i look at him.  i can’t ever look at his face.  i chose neither and told him to consult my mom.  he finally left and i was finally allowed to breathe.  only moments later, my mom came home and nothing would go well the rest of the night.  i heard them arguing through the walls.  if only walls could speak, what pain they would show. 

so when will i ever do something that will change the situation?  will i wait until someone gets physically hurt or someone will be killed?  i live in fear that one day i will find myself bloody, not from my own accord, and running from my house, through the backyard, and screaming on a neighbor’s front step that they’re all dead, that i’m the one left alive to tell the story.

hopefully, i am too tired to cut right now.  earlier i thought it was overwhelming.  luckily, i have calmed down a bit in the last hour.  then again, it’s only half past midnight.

the question should be “how many?”

Results: What mental disorder do you have?

Your results for this quiz have been calculated and are presented below:

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) You can never seem to calm down and always feel anxious for unknown reasons. You tend to not be able to concentrate and have headaches or other anxiety symptoms. Manic Depressive OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Paranoia ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

these are the actual results from a quiz that i found on http://fadingstar86.wordpress.com/2008/03/09/just-so-i-can-whinge/ (hope it’s okay that i put your link here.. heh).  i also commented on her site that i found it pretty accurate.  and you know what? it doesn’t make it any easier to accept these things that i already know about myself.  i think these quizzes merely serve as reinforcement for choices we’ve already made.  so blah to quizzes!!

beauty is more than skin deep

i’m feeling so ugly today.  all through the day, i noticed things about my physical appearance that was making me sad and go yuck.  it was my dad who got me really annoyed and thinking.  every single monday, he lectures me about not being at home for dinner; that I am never eating, and that I look basically anorexic.  of course, this annoys me every single monday, but today was worse.  first of all, i have been feeling fat… trying to not snack like crazy at my work desk (for both health and beauty reasons), which i did not succeed at.  i’m too used to eating what i want, when i want without exercise and not having much weight gain.  that has changed because working at a desk, in front of computer, involves sitting for 8 hours on your ass (not counting driving time).  i used to get some form of exercise when i worked in retail, moving around, lifting stuff, and being on my feet all day.  it helped keep weight off.  now i’m seeing the effects of inactivity.

anyway it had got me all worked up about beauty.  i could probably bear the additional fat on my now-not-flat stomach if i had at least nice skin.  i hate my skin.  it makes me not want to look in the mirror.  i have been using proactiv, but it is proving to be increasingly ineffective.  course, i probably agitate it by not eating healthy… again, trying to get back on track, i wonder what a wonderful place it would if no one cared about outer beauty, where people would be focused on the more essential aspects of life. 

many of us consume ourselves with trying to be “beautiful” and “perfect” that we have little energy to deal with the big issues.  and instead of growing up believing and continuing to believe that each of us is beautiful, inside and out,  we absorb all the sorts of bad messages we receive from the media and society about beauty; and spend the rest of our lives trying to find truth and happiness, which should have been ingrained in our upbringing in the first place.  it is sad to think that while there are countless ways to die, beauty is subjective and “death by beauty” utterly preventable.

i have some good days, where i do feel feminine and confident; and then there are the bad.  i still think of myself as a person with acne, a big nose, untamed eyebrows, and flat, boring hair style (actually non-existent).