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New Fall

October 11, 2010

Wow.  It has been the longest time since I’ve signed into my account, let alone posted.  I guess I was also curious what had been happening with people’s blogs that I would read.  It’s nice to see that some are doing better.

As for me, I’ve been too busy with work and life (mostly work) to feel the things I used to.  Too physically and mentally tired to cry or think.  Exhaustion does that to a person.  Nonetheless, my anxiety has gotten gradually worse, with more OCD tendencies that I’m used to.  I’ve been blaming it on work, but I think it’s because I keep noticing how people around me and I are aging – always leading to thoughts of inevitable death and not really being able to do anything about it.

Not surprisingly, with the fall season at the doorstep, the cold feelings seem to always filter back in.  I hate the feeling of being cold inside and out.  I don’t like the silence.  Just recently, my dreams have started to come back.

Still, it feels good to be posting this.  As if – finally! – I have time to think/feel something other than pressure.

Who am I kidding?  Back to reality and back to the work week ahead.  Sighs.

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First Days of Spring

April 26, 2009

Indeed.  So, it has been 3 months since I have posted a blog.  Even so, my mind kept nagging me to return.  I have only been busy with work, my boyfriend, and sleeping. 

With work, ever since the company I work at was acquired, I have not liked the state of things.  I did not realize that working for a company that cared about its clients and its employees was so important to me.  Now that I see those things don’t really exist, and that money and representation is the bottom line, it disgusts me.   Oh, don’t think that for a second that I was ignorant of this.  I mean, many large companies have this problem so I expected it.  I just didn’t realized that I cared.  Thus, I am in limbo at work, having to do my job but not caring about it at all.

With the boyfriend, he’s working at a new place and is much closer to me now.  I get to see him more often which is lovely.  He doesn’t think it is the same thing as living together, which I have not agreed on yet.  One of my stresses, moving out, making my decisions not based on my mother, and finally growing up.  He can’t wait the day, almost literally.  I don’t know what it is.  I feel as though I need to protect her, which perhaps I feel guilty about not doing before.  At other times, I feel that it is all brainwash.  I’m tired of being anxious about it.  It stops me from being able to think or focus on anything else at times.  And if its not that, it’s something else.  Like the boyfriend says, I always need something to stress about.

Yes, completely anxiety ridden.  While the severity of my depression symptoms have waned in the last few years, the anxiety has gotten quite worse.  It is no wonder that I can still even drive or leave the house because many times I just want to stay in my bed where I know it’s safe.  Every event becomes more unbearable to deal with–most recently, getting into a car accident (only took off my mirror), going to jury duty (will be next month), having to present something to the vp of operations in my department (don’t know when that will be yet)… and yes, I will always find something.  My mind becomes a jumble of endless things to stress about.  Oh and wouldn’t you like to know, I think i’m a hypochondriac as well.  Lovely.  Lovely.  Lovely.

It was sounding so nice and peaceful until the sound of the lawn mower pierced it.  I can hear the birds chirping, the bees buzzing (not that I like bees), and the beautiful sun is out.  Woohoo.  It’s too bad that this nice weather won’t last past Tuesday.  Today, I’m still feeling confused.  Don’t know weather I’m depressed or happy about spring.  Always seems to happen with the changing of the seasons. 

Ugh, so tired and feeling like screaming right now.  Must end.

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need new music!

February 9, 2009

things have been going okay/good.  little stress here and there.  i have made it through the wedding; no, not my wedding.  a family friend’s.  social events.. bleh… i really do think i will end up a hermit.

occurrences of self-destruction have been minimal.. phew. *crosses her fingers*  at this point, i’ve avoided the topic in my mind so my current status mentally is still a bit fuzzy.  but i am getting through my days, which is a plus i suppose.

something that is bugging me at the moment is a dire need for some new music to listen to at work. 

i am really sick of this pop/punk rock crap.  i liked it when it was new.  now, it’s old.  too many new bands of the same stuff.  i don’t know if i’m looking for more depressing music or more happy music, because there doesn’t seem to be any happy medium for me.  maybe, i’m just sick of old things.  not quite fed up, but close.  if anyone has suggestions, it would be much appreciated. 

for now i will just have to survive with artists screaming into my ear or singing sweet nothings that i don’t care about.  always trying to survive the next thing.  i am feeling quite morbid at the moment and i’m sure the bf would have something to say about that.  well what do i say to that?  poo!

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Gone and Back In 2 Months

November 25, 2008

From the title, you might think I went on some exciting vacation of sort.  Not the case.  Posting to wordpress hasn’t been on top of my to-do list (well if a to-do list actually existed).  I mean it took me a bit to even remember what the site was and what my username was.  It’s amazing how absence degrades your memory..

Well, the first line in this post isn’t quite a lie.  Mid-October, I did get to go to Maryland with the boyfriend for a weekend and that was fun.  Not so much the pooring rain that one day…  There was alot of walking though, being quite touristy, and we didn’t get mugged or anything which was an obvious plus!  I took too many pictures.  I officially turned into one of those annoying Asian people taking pictures of absolutely everything in the event that I will either get amnesia or altzheimers.  In fact, we are in the midst of planning a trip to new york city, ah my beloved birthplace.  That is not going so well.  Too late to really book for middle of December and too expensive.  Wouldn’t it be so great to have so much money.. **dreams**

Late October, surprise, I went to a halloween party even with my social anxiety.  **claps**  Don’t be so proud.  I was dragged there, costume and everything.  Flapper.  Cold.  Bad idea.  The hostess, someone the boyfriend works with, was great.  All funny and cheery, nothing like me.  I was lucky enough to weasel myself out of a party the following night.  Hell if I was going to do another one!

November has flown by quickly.  Not much happening but eating out too much, but so much yummy food.  Although, there was one Japanese place that was, by far, the WORST restaurant I have ever been to.  WORST service.  I mean I am one of those really lenient people, won’t say anything unless something’s seriously wrong.  I am STILL waiting for a damn refund.  I am planning to call them every day until I get it!  Anyway, no more talk of that.  It makes my blood pressure go up.

On the emotional front, things have been pretty uneventful.  I am happy with the boyfriend.  I have thought about, but have not self-harmed in quite a while at least 2 months now.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to suppress those thoughts completely.  It makes me tired.  Even though I get the recommended hours of sleep per night, for the most part, I am still getting those occasional nightmares.  Not the monsters hiding in the closet, but the monsters in people hurting me.  Suggestive of me still not trusting and fearing people?  Also, I think I have a heightened sense of smell and touch.  Always putting me into euphoric states.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

Well, hopefully December is nice.  I do have to worry about annual reviews at work.  Blah.  Too tired now to talk anymore.  Have a good night.

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i feel like pulling my hair out.

September 25, 2008

like the title of this post states, i do indeed feel like pulling my hair out.  have not done so though.  the anxiety is immense.  anxiety about what?  who knows; i sure as hell don’t.  there is only one way this can go down.  oh please, let me get through the night..

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And down I go.

September 1, 2008

Things had remained pretty steady, but it’s always those stupid little things that get to me.  Well, not that the big things don’t, but the little things always give me a surprise.  And so, these little things have created a big mound of downright crappiness.  It has been going pretty slow at work, especially waiting for the next projects to arrive.  I only need a day or so to recuperate between projects.  It seems a week since I’ve done anything useful.  This would of course then be the perfect time to use my vacation days considering i’ve only taken 2 and they don’t really carry over to the next year.  I’m so pathetic that I can’t leave this place and just go somewhere with the boyfriend, for even the weekend.  Ugly and devastating attachment to the parents.  It is putting stress on me.  Then, there are still the issues with the insurance, car, etc.  ugh sick of it all. 

I surprised myself with self-harm.  Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all because I had been playing with it (merely putting pressure against my skin seems to have a calming effect).  Anyway, I was pissed at the time.  Father’s words being the trigger.  The marks were made quickly and now I have the pleasure of waiting to pick them in the process of healing.  OK, so I haven’t done quite a good job with the recovery and all.  I’m human (although that might be debatable); I make mistakes.  I hate this response/coping mechanism.

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Owww..

August 26, 2008

I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember.  i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel.  what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong.  pshh like something couldn’t be lurking.  maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late.  ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep.  it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on.  it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been. 

my mind’s in a jumble.  i need help to unscramble! 

i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary..  my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy.  YES, alright!  the infamous excuse about being LAZY.  how could i not?  aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka!  mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!).  mouth salvating.  perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it.  have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..