sleep, sleep, and more sleep

it’s been over a month since i last posted, so at this rate, you might think that i’ve been sleeping all this time.  honestly, sleeping 10 hrs (used to be uncommon for me) everyday is freaking me out a bit.  i keep trying to pin it on work and getting older.  yes, aging is rearing it’s ugly head.  it’s been a year and a half since graduating college and 5 and a half years since graduating high school!  the time has just flown by.  it doesn’t help that i feel that work is becoming all i know and ever knew. 

next to sleep, i’ve also become very short-tempered.. not a good thing at all for the boyfriend.  things bug me even more now.  i snap all the time.  driving is becoming a bit unbearable.  seriously.. do drivers like to slow way down before a red light so i can tailgate them to get into the left lane?  i stared down one driver as he drove by.  i wanted to get out and give him a piece of my mind.  also, insurance.  i hate it.  really dumb medicaid system they have in America.  although i don’t need it, i’m indirectly involved in it.  it makes no freaking sense to me!  Medicaid is free and adultbasic, which is the alternative option (not really an option if you ask me), has a monthly premium.  Now, income limits and all that comes into play with both.  No one is allowed to have both and no one is permitted to choose which one to be in.  if you have adultbasic and you end up qualifying for medicaid, they drop you.  then, if you don’t qualify for medicaid when you reapply (which you have to do every 6 months), you get dropped and have to reapply for the adultbasic.  not even the worst of it.. you get put onto a fucking waiting list for god knows how long, so there is a significant amount of time that great America leaves your health in the reliable hands of luck.  what the fuck is that?!

i think just being able to talk about some of my issues here has brought my blood pressure up.  surprisingly, i’ve never had high blood pressure.  i’ve been finding myself holding my breathe, internalizing the anger, and getting really tense.  the only thing is, i don’t realize it until it’s too late.

anger then leads to thought and guilt and leads to self-hatred and bad thoughts.

i’m tired, lacking focus, and really lazy.  stagnant.  i just feel bad for the boyfriend dealing with my shit.  i dont think we, as people with mental disorders, realize how much we affect our loved ones.  it’s a bit frustrating and debilitating on the spirit.

alright, i HAVE to say one good thing in today’s post.  me and the boyfriend were in the city early this evening and we had a chance after shopping and walking around a bit, to sit in the park and drink a cold latte.  it was wonderfully refreshing.  it was the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze blowing.  there were lots of people to watch and cute dogs to see.  something so calming and relaxing about it.  kind of reminded of being a child and running around carefree in the park near my first home in new york city.  the reality of life has made me grown cold and times like that with the boyfriend has worked the warmth back in again.

also, i haven’t really self-harmed or thought about it as much.  course, that could be due to not having time to actually think about it.  my issues still haven’t been resolved and i’m still pushing through, but at least i dont have to worry about my arms.  a little at a time.  ah.

alas, it’s another day

OK, i have not posted in quite a while, not that it would matter.. i dont anyone actually reads this dumb thing.  i don’t know if it’s whether i’ve been busy with stuff or busy with actually sleeping.  sleeping a bit too much, yet i am all wide awake tonight.  my life has been uneventful, aka no drama, for the last two or so weeks, which i haven’t decided whether that’s negative or positive.  this means no real thoughts or attempts of self-harm or hypomania or even, my gosh can’t you believe it, crying here.  mainly, i seek drama even though i can’t handle a drop of it.  realize that that is the indecisiveness in me.  one of my many weaknesses.  i wish i knew what i wanted so that i could just focus on getting there. 

on a more positive note, i will be going to the beach tomorrow, rather today since it is already 3 am, with the boyfriend.  a nice sunday before the start of the work week.  the weather is supposed to nice so hopefully not too hot and not too cold.  i have to be at a perfect temperature to even have a chance of enjoying myself.  this annoys him to no end since this is one of the things i complain about frequently.  like last night, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Jones in Center City, ah the heart of Philadelphia (least i think so), and it was not at all a good experience for me.  the food was mediocre, actually plain at best.  we sat outside where it smelled and it was a bit chilly probably from the day’s rain.  and i’m pretty sure the waitress forgot about us except for the moments where she saw us through the windows while serving her indoor patrons.  i spent the entire time complaining… and i believe that this is what he dislikes so much about me — my complains.  it’s even worse — the more comfortable i am with someone, the more comfortable i am with letting them know about my complaints.  bad habit i admit.

anyway, back to the beach.  some shopping, strolling on the boardwalk, and maybe getting my feet into the sand will be nice!  i love the sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore and the sea gulls calling.  it would be great to own a summer beach house or rent one, but again this would be my fault.  i’m not even allowed to stay with my boyfriend overnight.  that’s right.  i said not allowed.  one parent doesn’t know i’m with him at all.  the other doesn’t know that it’s serious.  again, my fault.  i know, i hate myself for it.  i’m sorry.  i’m going to stop while i’m ahead before i create some drama.  good night all!~

letter to my love #1

i have to start out by apologizing to you.  i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me.  i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions.  they are dark moments in my life.  i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind.  i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement. 

i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness.  honestly, i have good times as well.  more good times than bad in fact.  if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night.  i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together.  i also have my siblings and work to thank for it.  i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful.  this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me.  we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind.  and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.

i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me.  i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person.  the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t.  so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway).  i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.

so, i only ask you to try to be understanding.  don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced.  don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me.  don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t.  just love me as i love you.

Love with all my heart,

Amy

barely conscious

things are such shit. 

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post.  after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way.  i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently.  even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess.  i’m really worried about my grandfather.  he still hasn’t woken up.  and what if he doesn’t? 

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick.  that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it.  ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay.  instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life.  he is there because i have no efforts or hopes. 

*throws her hands up in the air*  right, like the gester has ever helped anyone.  this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now.  i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing.  although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold.  my heart is cold.  chills up and down my back and shoulders.  my breathing is slow.  i feel that i am no longer here.  i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it.  i’m almost dead already.  and what will the crying and self-harming do now?  nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore.  i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment.  this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you.  i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed.  it hurts to pick up a bottle of water.  i feel worse.

one life for another

..and the anxiety continues.  now it’s accompanied by fear and doubts.  i just found out that my grandfather, who is thousands of miles away, on a different continent, is very sick.  he is going to be in surgery on monday and things don’t seem good.  his health has been declining in the last few years.  i try to prepare, but nothing will prepare me.  i wont be able to handle the grief or my mother’s grief any better than i can handle any other situation i’m in.  even though i won’t see him and i am just one of his grandchildren, something inextricably connects us.  life is so unfair sometimes.

my grandfather, whom i haven’t had a real conversation with since there is a communication problem, is someone you would be honored to meet.  he is a great husband, father, and grandfather.  he is a good businessman even in an environment that strives to extinguish you.  he can make you laugh/smile.  he is knowledgable, unrelenting, strong-willed, hard-working, daring, yet stubborn.  it will be so sad when God takes him and I will still be here doing nothing with my life.  i would trade places with him because he would do something with my life instead of letting it waste away.  even though i realize this, i continue to let it happen.  so there.  guilt on my plate, plain as day. 

i need someone, something to distract me from this.  i listen to my music straight through on my iTunes playlist and this song is not helping at all.  it is “bye bye” by mariah carey.  how ridiculously coincidental.  i should die instead.   i want to cut now and let the pain and guilt numb.  lucky i don’t do it much anymore as i dont like wearing sleeves when it’s almost 80 degrees out.  i have minimal scars, since they have never been severe, just enough to leave a few marks here and there that someone would never be able to tell the difference between the cutting scars from ones i could have gotten when i fell off a bike when little (which i dont have any).  *sighs*

why can’t things just be simple?

this morning, i awoke in a haze to hearing my parents arguing.  soon my mom left to go to work and i could only manage that somewhat sleeping somewhat awake state.  i was sitting up in bed and my dad walked in.  put his sweaty hand on my back and proceeded to tell me that he was going to work.  “okay, bye,” i said expressionless and without looking.  this is the usual response.  as if i cared that he was leaving.  i shook off the sweaty feeling on my back and was about to write a post about how he annoyed me, but somehow got distracted.  i should have known that this day would have eventually ended up in the gutter. 

by early afternoon, it was decided that my sister and i were going to go on a shopping trip.  this made for a pleasant afternoon.  i love how shopping gets your mind off things, even if for only a few hours.  evening went fine with watching national geographic clips with her.  dad came home at the usual 10:00 p.m.  and everything went downhill from there. 

i had to touch his dirty cell phone to put in some numbers into his phonebook.  then, he started talking to me about him buying a house and renting rooms out.  he mentioned that my name was going to be added.  i was outraged to say the least.  he could have fucking bothered to ask me before deciding.  i told him this.  “i’m asking you now,” he said.  “don’t add my name.” he replied with some excuse.  “don’t add my name,” i repeated.  i asked him other questions, tight-lipped, like isn’t it going to… and aren’t you going to have to… and what if… i was getting more information, but i was not about ready to add some potential problems to my plate.   seriously, what fucking right does he have to assume that i will follow him around all willy nilly, wanting to do the things that he wants to do?  i also have a serious problem with people thinking that i should do certain things because everyone else is doing them, that they seem to be things done out of love when those same people have no problem with taking short cuts and recommend acts that are technically illegal even if minor.  yes, i have a fear of the law.  i am fucking afraid of doing things because i might be caught even though i most likely won’t be.  so quit pressuring me and stop being so damn selfish and ignorant. 

for me, i don’t need many things to be happy, just the important things.  i want and prefer things to be simple.  i don’t need a fancy car, a big house, alot of friends, or a $50,000+ job.  it sounds so cliche, but it is true.  money really just ruins relationships with others and yourself.  all i will be able to think about is the money because i have been trained by my family, by people i know, and by the media because that is what matters in america.  if that is not what they intended, they certainly did a shitty job of it.  i would absolutely be content with having a car that worked the way it was supposed to and got me around, a small house or nice apartment, a few friends, and a job that was enough for my living expenses and to save and a little extra to dine out and shop.  i would want my family and relatives to be happy.  i would be happy with waking up with my boyfriend, going to work on the weekdays, and coming home to him to watch tv or dine out or do something in the city, and on the weekends we would go to the city and have cultural experiences.  the only extravagant thing i would like is to be able to travel.  otherwise, i want things to be simple.  i want my life to be simple. 

so i had two choices, which was either to have every future day anxiety ridden and he get his way or to not have additional issues on my plate and instead, have to look from the hallway railing at his sorry self on the couch watching tv every night.  not once did i look at him.  i can’t ever look at his face.  i chose neither and told him to consult my mom.  he finally left and i was finally allowed to breathe.  only moments later, my mom came home and nothing would go well the rest of the night.  i heard them arguing through the walls.  if only walls could speak, what pain they would show. 

so when will i ever do something that will change the situation?  will i wait until someone gets physically hurt or someone will be killed?  i live in fear that one day i will find myself bloody, not from my own accord, and running from my house, through the backyard, and screaming on a neighbor’s front step that they’re all dead, that i’m the one left alive to tell the story.

hopefully, i am too tired to cut right now.  earlier i thought it was overwhelming.  luckily, i have calmed down a bit in the last hour.  then again, it’s only half past midnight.

family dinner

okay so my grandparents were over and the entire family is home together for the first time in, i don’t know how long, but i can assure you that it never goes well.  i came home from work and of course, “Oh, you look so thin.  Don’t you ever eat?” is asked of me by my grandmother.  Same question that irks me everytime.  I eat, people!  (Be careful how you read that; I am not a cannibal.)  Eventually, dinnertime comes around.  Everyone’s sitting around the table with their heads down or looking around, anywhere but at each other.  My grandparents may be annoying and have done some really hurtful things in the past (some that I don’t remember and only hear stories about.. one-sided story at that), but they have grown to be rather soft and loving in their old age.  This is especially true of my grandmother.  I really can’t help, but smile at her cheery moods.  The rest of my family, minus my father, has real problems with them.  I suppose that I have resolved some of my anger with them or maybe I never cared at all.  Someone just convinced me to be angry and resentful, which I am still trying to figure out how much truth there is to this.  I never thought that I would have changed in that way.  Anyway, my siblings would talk back sarcastically in English, which my grandparents do not understand at all.  Their immature teenage behavior really pissed me off.  At the same time, I understand their resentments toward them.  Unfortunately, I am stuck in the middle, trying to love one group of people at the price of trying to love my grandparents in secret.  As this parallels my emotions, things will go back and forth, never to rest. 

what continues to confuse me is how i can “forgive” my grandparents, but can not “forgive” my father for his wrongs.  does he not deserve the opportunity?  i feel guilty in denying this to him, but what validation do i have of my own feelings if i do..?  i am thoroughly sickened by this family environment.  i am an outcast in this world, an outcast at work, and an outcast in my own family with rarely a person to relate.  i am trapped in this cycle as well as neck deep in self-pity.  i still stand where i was the day i decided i wanted to die.  only now, i sit tight-lipped, listening to “Pull Me Out Alive” by Kaki King, and wanting to end it.

the calm after the storm

this past week has been, as the title suggests, good.. back to normal. after weeks of built-up stress, i had a big fight with *. it went the way it always has and not the way he again hoped it would. in other words, i had been crying and silent. thinking but not there. my communication skills are honestly horrendous. i never learned when i was little and i never learned them when i grew up. i feel that i can’t speak much of the time. it would be much easier to have a machine read my mind when i need it to.

i did. i really hate that phrase. what does it mean? just because someone did something doesn’t mean that the next person should or will accomplish the same thing. it’s a part of what makes us unique and different. “i did” also sounds like full of disdain in my ears. how does that even make you that much better than me? now, of course, the retort is that i’m being a bitch and a victum. maybe true, but to some degree, it’s more than that. it’s just bad that i have no excuse for acting mental when i’m clearly not. Others are far worse.

again, i’m not making any sense. it feels like my ideas run together. i can’t think straight. nothing i say or write even makes sense to me, let alone to anyone reading it. i am jealous of those who can speak their minds and explain themselves because i can’t explain this, i can’t explain myself.

soon, i’m going to turn into one of those insane people in the movies who huddle themselves into the corner of the room, closed off and mute. somehow this blog turned out to be more down than i intended it to. i’m sleepy and tired and have to wake up for work in 4 hours so i’m going to bed. night.

slow days ahead

i have had some bouts of mania, mainly over this past weekend.  i don’t even remember much of those instances.  i’ve also been sleeping too much.  ten hours is by no means alot of sleep, but i still can’t wake up in the morning for work.  last night, i went to bed at 4 am and still could not wake up for work.  i think i’m just not a morning person… need at least the clock to strike 10 am for my system to start.  all day, even at work and while driving, i’m increasingly more tired.  eyes very heavy.  if i were allowed to put my head on the desk, i would.  the other day, while driving home late at night, i was sleepy-eyed so i decided to stick my head out the window while driving.  felt sooo good, scary good.  it immediately sent chills all throughout my body and it made me have thoughts about jumping off the bridge.  i’m feeling cold now, the bad kind of cold where nothing will warm you up.  what’s more annoying is that i’m having conflicting thoughts.  i want to put a nice blue bruise on my arm, but i know i can’t let others down by self-harming even if they wouldn’t find out.  ah see what guilt trips get you… exactly nothing!  instead, i’ve been mentally tormenting myself for the past two months that i’ve been depressed/manic.  i have to say that this mental torture is much worse than the self infliction.  right now it feels like a long slow death.  i feel like i’m going to vomit and why is there no freakin damn heat in my room??  i need to heat.  i need some friends.  i need to get out of here.

driving stinks!

this is going to be a dumb post, but i felt like i had to get it off my chest for my own sake.  i really hate driving and if it weren’t for the fact that i can’t get anywhere without doing it, i wouldn’t.  ever since i started learning to, i’ve had bad experiences (least i think so).  and for me, i remember almost all bad experiences, no matter how minor in retrospective.  what was even worse about learning to drive was that my father was my driving instructor.. so called driving instructor.  let me tell you that someday i will write a post about the awkward and hateful relationship between my father and i.  i was never sexually abused or anything like that, but the current status of the relationship is still warranted.  anyway, since i never wanted to learn, it took me till freshman year of college to get my ass going in the car.  i hadn’t started college yet, but he and i had a driving session that took place from my house to my college and back.  the tension of course was there.  the drive to the college was bumpy and annoying, but slightly bearable.  coming home was a different story.  he had been berating me relentlessly, due to me not wanting to listen to him, about it being important to getting to school and whatnot.  i made some more mistakes and he continued his stupid ranting.  we were down the street from my house and i finally blew up.  i sped recklessly up to my house and pulled the car into the driveway so quick, i think ** were scared.  i did a good job, to say the least.  i got out of the car and stormed into the house with, of course, him bitching behind me.  i wasn’t really hearing it, only the anger from my own ears.  from my bedroom, i could hear him screaming at my mother about my driving.  my heart was beating almost out of my chest.  i don’t remember what i did, but that i hadn’t cried.

this brings me to today.  getting out of the parking lot at my work is such a hassle.  have to make a left and there’s always enough cars on that street to create a problem and no traffic light of course.  the other day i got honked because i didn’t make the turn out fast enough and today i almost sideswiped a car… swear i did not see it… or did not imagine that it would get there that fast.  like anytime i do something wrong, my heart was pounding and guilt filled me up quick.  i felt bad i almost hit the poor guy or girl!  i kept thinking about how angry and surprised that person must was.  i felt an immediate rush to cut myself, but had nothing to do that with since i was driving.  ended up just scratching and pinching my arm until i created some little marks, which is no where satisfying.  i wanted to cry, but couldn’t.  almost the rest of the day, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it which is a common occurence. 

what’s even worse than being wreckless and plain sucking at driving is that i’m one of those mild road rage types.  i hate it when other drivers drive slow when they have no one in front of them, hate it when they glare at you when they’re the ones who made a mistake, and especially hate other road rage drivers (yeah i know).  i haven’t stopped to get out of my car and go over to punch someone in the face, but who’s to say someday i won’t turn into one of those people?  i have been proven to be violent and unpredictable of the silent type.  silent but deadly? ha… okay this is nothing to joke about.  another relevant problem is that i have a tendency to get sleepy-eyed, to put it mildly, driving at night.  it really does feel about the same as driving drunk, which i haven’t done before.  it’s just that i can’t leave early, i can’t leave the next morning, i’ve got no one to drive me, but still gotta get myself home so what am i supposed to do?  this just sounds like insensible reasoning from someone like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. ACK. 

i don’t know that writing this post has made me feel any better, but i’m sorry to that person i almost hit!  OH, and anyone who sees a crazy, aggressive, but scared and sleepy driver, don’t get near me… this seems like the time to insert a quiz with some title like “What kind of Driver Are You?”, but let’s not get overboard here.