only two..

all day i have been moody; someone even told me so.  i guess i should have took it as a sign, but i attributed the moodiness to being me.  a few hours ago, not even three hours ago, i went downhill fast.  the thoughts of suicide weren’t overwhelming, but constant.  i just sat here for three hours doing absolutely nothing, but staring and listening to music.  i tried to comment some people’s blogs, but i found it almost impossible to type something.  halfway through the first sentence, i would stare at the screen and my fingers frozen waiting for something to happen..  i closed my eyes tightly, only to open them to nothing different.  i got fed up and swiveled around in my chair to face my open closet.  it didn’t help because i started seeing things.  i could have sworn i saw someone with dark hair in my closet even though i kept trying to tell myself it was probably just my clothes… just my clothes.  i started crying and have not stopped. 

 i suppose i should put a trigger warning here even though it’s really nothing, but i dont want a complaint so here *trigger warning*

nor could i help the overwhelming need to self-harm.  i went to my original instrument, a mechanical pencil, which is much easier and convenient.  you can go at your arm as much as you want, not having to worry about hitting a blood vessel or leaving long-term scars.  i was glad to see a little blood rush to the skin’s surface and the swelling surrounding it.  it was only two scratches, not bad at all right?  i have been scratching myself with my nails a few times so it’s just like that…  i did, with all my might, not go to the exacto knife.  i didn’t want to start something i was not going to be able to stop.  freaking damn.. i’m having the same problem not being able to type right now.  closing my eyes and the music just seems to get louder and louder.  i want to scream, but i can’t.  the stinging from the cuts are wearing off too fast.  i have a cut that’s on my leg, that i don’t know where i got it from, and that has been stinging for days.  why is it that when a cut is unintentional, it often hurts more than those intentional?

i’m going to look like shit tomorrow.