Owww..

I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember.  i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel.  what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong.  pshh like something couldn’t be lurking.  maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late.  ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep.  it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on.  it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been. 

my mind’s in a jumble.  i need help to unscramble! 

i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary..  my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy.  YES, alright!  the infamous excuse about being LAZY.  how could i not?  aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka!  mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!).  mouth salvating.  perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it.  have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..

happy lull

okay, so i did fall off the wagon.. the night after my last post.  that is just bad luck.  i was feeling mighty shitty, mostly of the failure sort.  i was lucky though that a complete relief fell over me the following morning.  i felt refreshed for a few days.. enough to keep me working which was nice!  course, the stress of driving has taken much of that away now.  i have been getting the feeling again that i want to be with nature, flying in the sky, uplifted and free from harsh realities.  i want to have those dreams again, but i fall asleep too early and can’t dream.  i like this music very much.  it is Owl City.  the music is very fitting for the way i’m feeling.  check it out at http://www.myspace.com/owlcity.  i hope for no more slipups

sleep, sleep, and more sleep

it’s been over a month since i last posted, so at this rate, you might think that i’ve been sleeping all this time.  honestly, sleeping 10 hrs (used to be uncommon for me) everyday is freaking me out a bit.  i keep trying to pin it on work and getting older.  yes, aging is rearing it’s ugly head.  it’s been a year and a half since graduating college and 5 and a half years since graduating high school!  the time has just flown by.  it doesn’t help that i feel that work is becoming all i know and ever knew. 

next to sleep, i’ve also become very short-tempered.. not a good thing at all for the boyfriend.  things bug me even more now.  i snap all the time.  driving is becoming a bit unbearable.  seriously.. do drivers like to slow way down before a red light so i can tailgate them to get into the left lane?  i stared down one driver as he drove by.  i wanted to get out and give him a piece of my mind.  also, insurance.  i hate it.  really dumb medicaid system they have in America.  although i don’t need it, i’m indirectly involved in it.  it makes no freaking sense to me!  Medicaid is free and adultbasic, which is the alternative option (not really an option if you ask me), has a monthly premium.  Now, income limits and all that comes into play with both.  No one is allowed to have both and no one is permitted to choose which one to be in.  if you have adultbasic and you end up qualifying for medicaid, they drop you.  then, if you don’t qualify for medicaid when you reapply (which you have to do every 6 months), you get dropped and have to reapply for the adultbasic.  not even the worst of it.. you get put onto a fucking waiting list for god knows how long, so there is a significant amount of time that great America leaves your health in the reliable hands of luck.  what the fuck is that?!

i think just being able to talk about some of my issues here has brought my blood pressure up.  surprisingly, i’ve never had high blood pressure.  i’ve been finding myself holding my breathe, internalizing the anger, and getting really tense.  the only thing is, i don’t realize it until it’s too late.

anger then leads to thought and guilt and leads to self-hatred and bad thoughts.

i’m tired, lacking focus, and really lazy.  stagnant.  i just feel bad for the boyfriend dealing with my shit.  i dont think we, as people with mental disorders, realize how much we affect our loved ones.  it’s a bit frustrating and debilitating on the spirit.

alright, i HAVE to say one good thing in today’s post.  me and the boyfriend were in the city early this evening and we had a chance after shopping and walking around a bit, to sit in the park and drink a cold latte.  it was wonderfully refreshing.  it was the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze blowing.  there were lots of people to watch and cute dogs to see.  something so calming and relaxing about it.  kind of reminded of being a child and running around carefree in the park near my first home in new york city.  the reality of life has made me grown cold and times like that with the boyfriend has worked the warmth back in again.

also, i haven’t really self-harmed or thought about it as much.  course, that could be due to not having time to actually think about it.  my issues still haven’t been resolved and i’m still pushing through, but at least i dont have to worry about my arms.  a little at a time.  ah.