i feel like pulling my hair out.

like the title of this post states, i do indeed feel like pulling my hair out.  have not done so though.  the anxiety is immense.  anxiety about what?  who knows; i sure as hell don’t.  there is only one way this can go down.  oh please, let me get through the night..

And down I go.

Things had remained pretty steady, but it’s always those stupid little things that get to me.  Well, not that the big things don’t, but the little things always give me a surprise.  And so, these little things have created a big mound of downright crappiness.  It has been going pretty slow at work, especially waiting for the next projects to arrive.  I only need a day or so to recuperate between projects.  It seems a week since I’ve done anything useful.  This would of course then be the perfect time to use my vacation days considering i’ve only taken 2 and they don’t really carry over to the next year.  I’m so pathetic that I can’t leave this place and just go somewhere with the boyfriend, for even the weekend.  Ugly and devastating attachment to the parents.  It is putting stress on me.  Then, there are still the issues with the insurance, car, etc.  ugh sick of it all. 

I surprised myself with self-harm.  Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all because I had been playing with it (merely putting pressure against my skin seems to have a calming effect).  Anyway, I was pissed at the time.  Father’s words being the trigger.  The marks were made quickly and now I have the pleasure of waiting to pick them in the process of healing.  OK, so I haven’t done quite a good job with the recovery and all.  I’m human (although that might be debatable); I make mistakes.  I hate this response/coping mechanism.