I had a feeling that there would be a bunch of blogs about the Northern Illinois University shooting that happened two days ago and of course there were under tags that I have saved. I guess i’m just feeding my opinion into it since I, myself, and writing about this. This guy who had attended and graduated from there killed six other students and himself and injured many others because he wasn’t taking his medication. Another mentally-ill and “disturbed” guy who suddenly snapped. I don’t believe this at all. Someone doesn’t just all of a sudden turn “crazy”. After all, his friends and family said that he had been acting erratically for a few weeks beforehand. Sure, they did not think that he could ever do something like killing students at their afternoon lecture, but they must have had the feeling that something bad would happen.
Something bad starts eating at you and eating at you until you feel you need to find a resolution, even if it is a bad one. It’s something that progresses and just doesn’t happen all of a sudden.
I used to define the start of my depression by the event that happened one late night when I went to get something, but saw something I shouldn’t have (not a murder or anything like that). It just completely shocked me is all. I was completely thrown off my feet and my world turned upside down. I could barely function. After years, I realized that it wasn’t what caused me to be depressed. I was already feeling bad, down on myself. The event just allowed me to finally acknowledge it. I wasn’t able to deal with the event because I wasn’t even able to deal with myself. I had no real emotional support and now, I know I just have to support myself because you can’t always count on others. They tend to be untrustworthy and so sucked into their own lives to realize that you need help. I can cry for help, but I know no one will hear me. There are some good days and many more that are bad, but you can’t expect others to save you. They don’t deserve to hear and feel your suffering.
I live knowing that times are not always good and go the way I want them to. Even though my situation may seem minor and almost non-existant compared to others, it feels all encompassing of my life. It’s never forgotten and there is never a day where I don’t wage at least a small self war. Many times, I feel I will never get better and that I will be fucked up forever, but I have not gotten to the point that I would kill other people senselessly. I believe that this guy had not enough courage to do so. Even though he was brilliant, his intelligence did not save him or the others.
Hearing the story makes me melancholy and chills me to the bone. It makes me feel similar to how the Virginia Tech shooting affected me. These violent shootings happen again and again, but people still have not changed their perceptions of those with psychological issues.
My head is throbbing at the moment. Over the last week, I have been sleeping way more than I usually do.. from 3 hours to 9 or 10 hours. At least those hours have been saving me from having to ward off self-harming. On the other hand, it has been making me very drowsy and numb most of the day. I’m surprised I even stay awake to work. Oh Well, just thought I’d post something since I haven’t posted in a while. Later.
Unfitting 