New Fall

Wow.  It has been the longest time since I’ve signed into my account, let alone posted.  I guess I was also curious what had been happening with people’s blogs that I would read.  It’s nice to see that some are doing better.

As for me, I’ve been too busy with work and life (mostly work) to feel the things I used to.  Too physically and mentally tired to cry or think.  Exhaustion does that to a person.  Nonetheless, my anxiety has gotten gradually worse, with more OCD tendencies that I’m used to.  I’ve been blaming it on work, but I think it’s because I keep noticing how people around me and I are aging – always leading to thoughts of inevitable death and not really being able to do anything about it.

Not surprisingly, with the fall season at the doorstep, the cold feelings seem to always filter back in.  I hate the feeling of being cold inside and out.  I don’t like the silence.  Just recently, my dreams have started to come back.

Still, it feels good to be posting this.  As if – finally! – I have time to think/feel something other than pressure.

Who am I kidding?  Back to reality and back to the work week ahead.  Sighs.

First Days of Spring

Indeed.  So, it has been 3 months since I have posted a blog.  Even so, my mind kept nagging me to return.  I have only been busy with work, my boyfriend, and sleeping. 

With work, ever since the company I work at was acquired, I have not liked the state of things.  I did not realize that working for a company that cared about its clients and its employees was so important to me.  Now that I see those things don’t really exist, and that money and representation is the bottom line, it disgusts me.   Oh, don’t think that for a second that I was ignorant of this.  I mean, many large companies have this problem so I expected it.  I just didn’t realized that I cared.  Thus, I am in limbo at work, having to do my job but not caring about it at all.

With the boyfriend, he’s working at a new place and is much closer to me now.  I get to see him more often which is lovely.  He doesn’t think it is the same thing as living together, which I have not agreed on yet.  One of my stresses, moving out, making my decisions not based on my mother, and finally growing up.  He can’t wait the day, almost literally.  I don’t know what it is.  I feel as though I need to protect her, which perhaps I feel guilty about not doing before.  At other times, I feel that it is all brainwash.  I’m tired of being anxious about it.  It stops me from being able to think or focus on anything else at times.  And if its not that, it’s something else.  Like the boyfriend says, I always need something to stress about.

Yes, completely anxiety ridden.  While the severity of my depression symptoms have waned in the last few years, the anxiety has gotten quite worse.  It is no wonder that I can still even drive or leave the house because many times I just want to stay in my bed where I know it’s safe.  Every event becomes more unbearable to deal with–most recently, getting into a car accident (only took off my mirror), going to jury duty (will be next month), having to present something to the vp of operations in my department (don’t know when that will be yet)… and yes, I will always find something.  My mind becomes a jumble of endless things to stress about.  Oh and wouldn’t you like to know, I think i’m a hypochondriac as well.  Lovely.  Lovely.  Lovely.

It was sounding so nice and peaceful until the sound of the lawn mower pierced it.  I can hear the birds chirping, the bees buzzing (not that I like bees), and the beautiful sun is out.  Woohoo.  It’s too bad that this nice weather won’t last past Tuesday.  Today, I’m still feeling confused.  Don’t know weather I’m depressed or happy about spring.  Always seems to happen with the changing of the seasons. 

Ugh, so tired and feeling like screaming right now.  Must end.

need new music!

things have been going okay/good.  little stress here and there.  i have made it through the wedding; no, not my wedding.  a family friend’s.  social events.. bleh… i really do think i will end up a hermit.

occurrences of self-destruction have been minimal.. phew. *crosses her fingers*  at this point, i’ve avoided the topic in my mind so my current status mentally is still a bit fuzzy.  but i am getting through my days, which is a plus i suppose.

something that is bugging me at the moment is a dire need for some new music to listen to at work. 

i am really sick of this pop/punk rock crap.  i liked it when it was new.  now, it’s old.  too many new bands of the same stuff.  i don’t know if i’m looking for more depressing music or more happy music, because there doesn’t seem to be any happy medium for me.  maybe, i’m just sick of old things.  not quite fed up, but close.  if anyone has suggestions, it would be much appreciated. 

for now i will just have to survive with artists screaming into my ear or singing sweet nothings that i don’t care about.  always trying to survive the next thing.  i am feeling quite morbid at the moment and i’m sure the bf would have something to say about that.  well what do i say to that?  poo!

Gone and Back In 2 Months

From the title, you might think I went on some exciting vacation of sort.  Not the case.  Posting to wordpress hasn’t been on top of my to-do list (well if a to-do list actually existed).  I mean it took me a bit to even remember what the site was and what my username was.  It’s amazing how absence degrades your memory..

Well, the first line in this post isn’t quite a lie.  Mid-October, I did get to go to Maryland with the boyfriend for a weekend and that was fun.  Not so much the pooring rain that one day…  There was alot of walking though, being quite touristy, and we didn’t get mugged or anything which was an obvious plus!  I took too many pictures.  I officially turned into one of those annoying Asian people taking pictures of absolutely everything in the event that I will either get amnesia or altzheimers.  In fact, we are in the midst of planning a trip to new york city, ah my beloved birthplace.  That is not going so well.  Too late to really book for middle of December and too expensive.  Wouldn’t it be so great to have so much money.. **dreams**

Late October, surprise, I went to a halloween party even with my social anxiety.  **claps**  Don’t be so proud.  I was dragged there, costume and everything.  Flapper.  Cold.  Bad idea.  The hostess, someone the boyfriend works with, was great.  All funny and cheery, nothing like me.  I was lucky enough to weasel myself out of a party the following night.  Hell if I was going to do another one!

November has flown by quickly.  Not much happening but eating out too much, but so much yummy food.  Although, there was one Japanese place that was, by far, the WORST restaurant I have ever been to.  WORST service.  I mean I am one of those really lenient people, won’t say anything unless something’s seriously wrong.  I am STILL waiting for a damn refund.  I am planning to call them every day until I get it!  Anyway, no more talk of that.  It makes my blood pressure go up.

On the emotional front, things have been pretty uneventful.  I am happy with the boyfriend.  I have thought about, but have not self-harmed in quite a while at least 2 months now.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to suppress those thoughts completely.  It makes me tired.  Even though I get the recommended hours of sleep per night, for the most part, I am still getting those occasional nightmares.  Not the monsters hiding in the closet, but the monsters in people hurting me.  Suggestive of me still not trusting and fearing people?  Also, I think I have a heightened sense of smell and touch.  Always putting me into euphoric states.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

Well, hopefully December is nice.  I do have to worry about annual reviews at work.  Blah.  Too tired now to talk anymore.  Have a good night.

i feel like pulling my hair out.

like the title of this post states, i do indeed feel like pulling my hair out.  have not done so though.  the anxiety is immense.  anxiety about what?  who knows; i sure as hell don’t.  there is only one way this can go down.  oh please, let me get through the night..

And down I go.

Things had remained pretty steady, but it’s always those stupid little things that get to me.  Well, not that the big things don’t, but the little things always give me a surprise.  And so, these little things have created a big mound of downright crappiness.  It has been going pretty slow at work, especially waiting for the next projects to arrive.  I only need a day or so to recuperate between projects.  It seems a week since I’ve done anything useful.  This would of course then be the perfect time to use my vacation days considering i’ve only taken 2 and they don’t really carry over to the next year.  I’m so pathetic that I can’t leave this place and just go somewhere with the boyfriend, for even the weekend.  Ugly and devastating attachment to the parents.  It is putting stress on me.  Then, there are still the issues with the insurance, car, etc.  ugh sick of it all. 

I surprised myself with self-harm.  Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all because I had been playing with it (merely putting pressure against my skin seems to have a calming effect).  Anyway, I was pissed at the time.  Father’s words being the trigger.  The marks were made quickly and now I have the pleasure of waiting to pick them in the process of healing.  OK, so I haven’t done quite a good job with the recovery and all.  I’m human (although that might be debatable); I make mistakes.  I hate this response/coping mechanism.

Owww..

I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember.  i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel.  what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong.  pshh like something couldn’t be lurking.  maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late.  ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep.  it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on.  it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been. 

my mind’s in a jumble.  i need help to unscramble! 

i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary..  my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy.  YES, alright!  the infamous excuse about being LAZY.  how could i not?  aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka!  mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!).  mouth salvating.  perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it.  have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..

happy lull

okay, so i did fall off the wagon.. the night after my last post.  that is just bad luck.  i was feeling mighty shitty, mostly of the failure sort.  i was lucky though that a complete relief fell over me the following morning.  i felt refreshed for a few days.. enough to keep me working which was nice!  course, the stress of driving has taken much of that away now.  i have been getting the feeling again that i want to be with nature, flying in the sky, uplifted and free from harsh realities.  i want to have those dreams again, but i fall asleep too early and can’t dream.  i like this music very much.  it is Owl City.  the music is very fitting for the way i’m feeling.  check it out at http://www.myspace.com/owlcity.  i hope for no more slipups

sleep, sleep, and more sleep

it’s been over a month since i last posted, so at this rate, you might think that i’ve been sleeping all this time.  honestly, sleeping 10 hrs (used to be uncommon for me) everyday is freaking me out a bit.  i keep trying to pin it on work and getting older.  yes, aging is rearing it’s ugly head.  it’s been a year and a half since graduating college and 5 and a half years since graduating high school!  the time has just flown by.  it doesn’t help that i feel that work is becoming all i know and ever knew. 

next to sleep, i’ve also become very short-tempered.. not a good thing at all for the boyfriend.  things bug me even more now.  i snap all the time.  driving is becoming a bit unbearable.  seriously.. do drivers like to slow way down before a red light so i can tailgate them to get into the left lane?  i stared down one driver as he drove by.  i wanted to get out and give him a piece of my mind.  also, insurance.  i hate it.  really dumb medicaid system they have in America.  although i don’t need it, i’m indirectly involved in it.  it makes no freaking sense to me!  Medicaid is free and adultbasic, which is the alternative option (not really an option if you ask me), has a monthly premium.  Now, income limits and all that comes into play with both.  No one is allowed to have both and no one is permitted to choose which one to be in.  if you have adultbasic and you end up qualifying for medicaid, they drop you.  then, if you don’t qualify for medicaid when you reapply (which you have to do every 6 months), you get dropped and have to reapply for the adultbasic.  not even the worst of it.. you get put onto a fucking waiting list for god knows how long, so there is a significant amount of time that great America leaves your health in the reliable hands of luck.  what the fuck is that?!

i think just being able to talk about some of my issues here has brought my blood pressure up.  surprisingly, i’ve never had high blood pressure.  i’ve been finding myself holding my breathe, internalizing the anger, and getting really tense.  the only thing is, i don’t realize it until it’s too late.

anger then leads to thought and guilt and leads to self-hatred and bad thoughts.

i’m tired, lacking focus, and really lazy.  stagnant.  i just feel bad for the boyfriend dealing with my shit.  i dont think we, as people with mental disorders, realize how much we affect our loved ones.  it’s a bit frustrating and debilitating on the spirit.

alright, i HAVE to say one good thing in today’s post.  me and the boyfriend were in the city early this evening and we had a chance after shopping and walking around a bit, to sit in the park and drink a cold latte.  it was wonderfully refreshing.  it was the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze blowing.  there were lots of people to watch and cute dogs to see.  something so calming and relaxing about it.  kind of reminded of being a child and running around carefree in the park near my first home in new york city.  the reality of life has made me grown cold and times like that with the boyfriend has worked the warmth back in again.

also, i haven’t really self-harmed or thought about it as much.  course, that could be due to not having time to actually think about it.  my issues still haven’t been resolved and i’m still pushing through, but at least i dont have to worry about my arms.  a little at a time.  ah.

hello from beyond

..no not really.  it just seems a long time.  it is a week into july afterall.  another week and my birthday.  i dont actually care for it… for me, it’s a day older and not any wiser.  i keep thinking that i am in the same predicaments as the previous year and the one before that.  have i grown or slightly deteriorated?  hard to tell. 

anyway independence weekend was good and bad – fun going to the city, but bad cause of the arguments.  they always seem to present themselves around the holidays.  maybe that’s why i dread them.

today wasn’t good.  i got so freaked out by a spider (horrible fear of them) that i got into the driver seat of my car via the passenger side.  i saw a dead cat on the road.. bloody fur.. makes me sad.  also, this freaking lady in a suv almost hit my car at 70 mph if i hadn’t veered into the next lane!  couldn’t be good on my heart.  i already have too much anxiety as it is.  so, basically i’ve been too anxious to be depressed.  i haven’t cried in at least 2 weeks.  i’ve been sleeping in all my free time. 

reading would be soothing.  i finished Shimura Trouble by Sujata Massey and found out that regrettably, it was the last book in the series.  i think i will go back to reading Reginald Hill again unless anyone has any suggestions for mysteries, which in that case send them my way!! 

well that’s all for now.  updates later!