slow days ahead

i have had some bouts of mania, mainly over this past weekend.  i don’t even remember much of those instances.  i’ve also been sleeping too much.  ten hours is by no means alot of sleep, but i still can’t wake up in the morning for work.  last night, i went to bed at 4 am and still could not wake up for work.  i think i’m just not a morning person… need at least the clock to strike 10 am for my system to start.  all day, even at work and while driving, i’m increasingly more tired.  eyes very heavy.  if i were allowed to put my head on the desk, i would.  the other day, while driving home late at night, i was sleepy-eyed so i decided to stick my head out the window while driving.  felt sooo good, scary good.  it immediately sent chills all throughout my body and it made me have thoughts about jumping off the bridge.  i’m feeling cold now, the bad kind of cold where nothing will warm you up.  what’s more annoying is that i’m having conflicting thoughts.  i want to put a nice blue bruise on my arm, but i know i can’t let others down by self-harming even if they wouldn’t find out.  ah see what guilt trips get you… exactly nothing!  instead, i’ve been mentally tormenting myself for the past two months that i’ve been depressed/manic.  i have to say that this mental torture is much worse than the self infliction.  right now it feels like a long slow death.  i feel like i’m going to vomit and why is there no freakin damn heat in my room??  i need to heat.  i need some friends.  i need to get out of here.