i have to start out by apologizing to you. i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me. i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions. they are dark moments in my life. i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind. i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement.
i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness. honestly, i have good times as well. more good times than bad in fact. if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night. i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together. i also have my siblings and work to thank for it. i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful. this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me. we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind. and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.
i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me. i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person. the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t. so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway). i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.
so, i only ask you to try to be understanding. don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced. don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me. don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t. just love me as i love you.
Love with all my heart,
Amy
Unfitting 