okay so my grandparents were over and the entire family is home together for the first time in, i don’t know how long, but i can assure you that it never goes well. i came home from work and of course, “Oh, you look so thin. Don’t you ever eat?” is asked of me by my grandmother. Same question that irks me everytime. I eat, people! (Be careful how you read that; I am not a cannibal.) Eventually, dinnertime comes around. Everyone’s sitting around the table with their heads down or looking around, anywhere but at each other. My grandparents may be annoying and have done some really hurtful things in the past (some that I don’t remember and only hear stories about.. one-sided story at that), but they have grown to be rather soft and loving in their old age. This is especially true of my grandmother. I really can’t help, but smile at her cheery moods. The rest of my family, minus my father, has real problems with them. I suppose that I have resolved some of my anger with them or maybe I never cared at all. Someone just convinced me to be angry and resentful, which I am still trying to figure out how much truth there is to this. I never thought that I would have changed in that way. Anyway, my siblings would talk back sarcastically in English, which my grandparents do not understand at all. Their immature teenage behavior really pissed me off. At the same time, I understand their resentments toward them. Unfortunately, I am stuck in the middle, trying to love one group of people at the price of trying to love my grandparents in secret. As this parallels my emotions, things will go back and forth, never to rest.
what continues to confuse me is how i can “forgive” my grandparents, but can not “forgive” my father for his wrongs. does he not deserve the opportunity? i feel guilty in denying this to him, but what validation do i have of my own feelings if i do..? i am thoroughly sickened by this family environment. i am an outcast in this world, an outcast at work, and an outcast in my own family with rarely a person to relate. i am trapped in this cycle as well as neck deep in self-pity. i still stand where i was the day i decided i wanted to die. only now, i sit tight-lipped, listening to “Pull Me Out Alive” by Kaki King, and wanting to end it.
Unfitting 