..and the anxiety continues. now it’s accompanied by fear and doubts. i just found out that my grandfather, who is thousands of miles away, on a different continent, is very sick. he is going to be in surgery on monday and things don’t seem good. his health has been declining in the last few years. i try to prepare, but nothing will prepare me. i wont be able to handle the grief or my mother’s grief any better than i can handle any other situation i’m in. even though i won’t see him and i am just one of his grandchildren, something inextricably connects us. life is so unfair sometimes.
my grandfather, whom i haven’t had a real conversation with since there is a communication problem, is someone you would be honored to meet. he is a great husband, father, and grandfather. he is a good businessman even in an environment that strives to extinguish you. he can make you laugh/smile. he is knowledgable, unrelenting, strong-willed, hard-working, daring, yet stubborn. it will be so sad when God takes him and I will still be here doing nothing with my life. i would trade places with him because he would do something with my life instead of letting it waste away. even though i realize this, i continue to let it happen. so there. guilt on my plate, plain as day.
i need someone, something to distract me from this. i listen to my music straight through on my iTunes playlist and this song is not helping at all. it is “bye bye” by mariah carey. how ridiculously coincidental. i should die instead. i want to cut now and let the pain and guilt numb. lucky i don’t do it much anymore as i dont like wearing sleeves when it’s almost 80 degrees out. i have minimal scars, since they have never been severe, just enough to leave a few marks here and there that someone would never be able to tell the difference between the cutting scars from ones i could have gotten when i fell off a bike when little (which i dont have any). *sighs*
Unfitting 