i miss not being fearful of the dark, not being afraid of my own shadow/reflection. it’s remarkable how things like fear can just manifest when your emotions are turned upside down. i dont think i’ve been so afraid of stupid things since i became depressed. fear is just something in your head and can only be overcome when you’re strong enough mentally to. i’m definitely not there yet. the strong winds today made me think about it. i realize that i’m still afraid of looking into the darkness of my backyard, but still dream of being wrapped in it. i’m so strange that way. so indecisive. always need both ways.. so damn needy really, which is something i really need to work on. need to put that on my checklist aside from whining and bitchiness ha (not doing so well at right now). would be so much easier if i could put a lid on my emotions…funny to imagine everyone with a literal can of emotions..
really fucked up. any opportunity to make a friend or even keep one, i manage to screw it up. all i can do about it? let it stay fucked up! really, i don’t understand why i can’t get a handle on it. perhaps, counseling is the only option i have in getting better but my own problems are stopping me from seeking help. hate when things turn cyclical and i get caught up in some neverending torture of self-pity. self-pity has become very destructive in my getting better. what’s worse, it’s the cyclical kind.
blah, not even officially winter and i have the mad blues. i can’t wait for spring to arrive. i love flowers blooming, the warmth from the sun’s rays hitting my skin, and bright blue skies. so beautiful. hopefully, i’m be more lively then, but that’s months from now. just have to last until then. hopefully, i’ll get to bed before 4 a.m.
Unfitting 