barely conscious

things are such shit. 

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post.  after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way.  i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently.  even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess.  i’m really worried about my grandfather.  he still hasn’t woken up.  and what if he doesn’t? 

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick.  that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it.  ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay.  instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life.  he is there because i have no efforts or hopes. 

*throws her hands up in the air*  right, like the gester has ever helped anyone.  this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now.  i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing.  although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold.  my heart is cold.  chills up and down my back and shoulders.  my breathing is slow.  i feel that i am no longer here.  i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it.  i’m almost dead already.  and what will the crying and self-harming do now?  nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore.  i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment.  this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you.  i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed.  it hurts to pick up a bottle of water.  i feel worse.