quick update

considering it’s 4 am and i have to be up for work in about 3 hrs i’m going to make this brief.

i went to my boyfriend’s college graduation yesterday.. WooHoo!  luckily, it wasn’t AS stressful as i expected it to be.  actually the night before was more so, even if I wasn’t the person graduating.  i’m so proud of him.  his little cousins were adorable and troublemakers!  i believe the people in the rows in front and in back of us were quite irritated.  it’s weird how kids don’t care at all because they’re in their own little worlds and don’t understand, but it made me uncomfortable.  i basically didn’t look.  uhm no kids for me!  we had a nice delicious dinner in chinatown as well. 

tonight or rather this morning, i am stuck right between feeling like shit and being okay by avoidance.  i mean right in the middle.  i really have no idea at the moment or the last 4 hours for that matter.  i think i’ve slightly gone from the edge of feeling like shit to the edge of being okay by avoidance.  i’ll see how the rest of today goes…

barely conscious

things are such shit. 

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post.  after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way.  i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently.  even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess.  i’m really worried about my grandfather.  he still hasn’t woken up.  and what if he doesn’t? 

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick.  that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it.  ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay.  instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life.  he is there because i have no efforts or hopes. 

*throws her hands up in the air*  right, like the gester has ever helped anyone.  this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now.  i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing.  although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold.  my heart is cold.  chills up and down my back and shoulders.  my breathing is slow.  i feel that i am no longer here.  i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it.  i’m almost dead already.  and what will the crying and self-harming do now?  nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore.  i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment.  this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you.  i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed.  it hurts to pick up a bottle of water.  i feel worse.

do i hear something?

okay, i was going to ignore them as i have work to do at the moment.. work that will keep me up into the hours of the night or morning, whichever way you look at it.  i mean them as in voices.  a little while ago, i started hearing them and they are scaring me straight.  they’re not saying anything.  instead, they sound like really low moans.  i went out into the hallway and listened and heard nothing.  i came back into my bedroom and soon heard them again.  everytime i stopped to listen, there they were again.  what is that?  i thought they might be the cries of some tormented soul that never made it to “other side” or that i was dillusional and hearing things.  both ideas are frightening.  when i close my eyes, i hear them.  i dont want to close my eyes, but i’m tired and sleepy.  i thought writing this post would get me to get back to my work and the voices would go away.  they haven’t.  i have a feeling, though, it’s only my sister’s breathing…  but now that i have recognized it, it doesn’t sound the same as the sounds i heard earlier.  i’m scared to turn around let alone leave my seat.  soo sleepy though… need to finish my work… make the voices stop.

keeping this short, but not so sweet

i see myself entering a deep depression, triggered by this situation with my grandfather.  anxiety has been high and energy very low.  so tired that i dont want to be awake anymore.  i want to swallow a bottle of pills and not wake up.  self-injury has consumed my thoughts.  i stare at them in bed, while i’m driving, and looking in the bathroom mirror everytime i’m in there.  it’s getting harder to cover up, but again they’re only minor marks.  i feel dead and it’s making me miss my boyfriend oh so much.  i have been and probably will continue to be more wreckless than normal.  wreckless and dangerous.

impending doom

in the last few days, my anxiety level has shot up.  before that, i had started worrying that i was gaining weight.  it would be easy to concede to someone that 2 or 3 pounds is nothing, but i would be lying.  i never really worried about my weight before, but i think there are reasons for this.  

when i was younger, i really didn’t care about my appearance AT ALL.  i don’t even think i thought about weight.  and i mean, as long as i looked human, why did i need to care?  when my depression started, i cared even less.  my emotional issues were overconsuming so i didn’t even realize that i stopped eating.  i never felt hungry.  i went days without eating entire meals.  if i did schoolwork; it would be right through dinnertime.  my parents were rarely home for dinner anyway, and this allowed for it to go on (not that i blame them).  i would cut and bruise my arms, but still did not notice that i could hold my wrist and my thumb and pinky would touch or that my ribs were showing.  people would say things as the years went by, but i dismissed them.  two years ago, i started getting better so i ate more.  my bf introduced me to restaurants and different foods, which i appreciate greatly.  food is a great experience.  still, while my moods change, i have kept the same attitude that i can just eat whatever without having to consider my weight.

i was 104 and now am at 110, so what the hell?!  i wonder when joking about my own stomach flubber is going to internalize as hatred and externalize as cuts or bruises.  neither has happened yet.  at the moment, i’m still in the stage where i worry to the point that i can’t breathe sometimes.  i keep thinking i gained another pound, i gained another, and another…  look at my belly.  look at my thighs.  i look pregnant.  awfully sickening.  i could exercise; i tell myself i will.  i hate exercising which is good because i’m too lazy too.  my laziness, no motivation, no drive.

if that wasn’t bad enough, my teeth are contributing to my rising anxiety.  the top wisdom teeth are coming in and for a few days now, while biting down, they have been hurting the skin on the bottom where they haven’t come in yet.  i have the bad feeling that i’m going to have to have them pulled.  DREAD.  i’m scared of dentists, doctors, etc.  i dont want to find out something is wrong with me.  i don’t want to end up with some dentist that is horrible and pull all my teeth out or something.  i’m just waiting for the teeth nightmares to start.  only once did i ever have one. 

everyday i am reminded of these two worries, and they are not my only.  i am having pains in my chest and my stomach.  i dont know if these are due to eating unhealthy or the anxiety or a combination of both.  i feel like ripping the fat off my stomach and thighs.  i feel like cutting or bruising.  i want it to turn purple and blue.  i want to bite my lip and taste blood.  i feel like taking a shitload of pills and passing out and never waking up.  everything hurts.