too much work… ahh. good memories? don’t think so.

ok so i haven’t posted since the first of this month!  these entries get farther and farther apart, unlike PA who blogs every day and is dependable (and this is not just because she’s doing that blog 365 thing.. she would probably blog everyday anyway with insightful and fun material).  well, let’s see.. updates i think are called for.

the beach was fun.  ok fun, not crazy fun.  first of all, we, meaning my boyfriend and i, got lost because we had to make a stop (which i did not think was at all necessary).  this added about an hour and a half to the time it took us and geez it was hot!  yes i know, i will quit the bitching about the heat now, especially since it will be 98 degrees tomorrow (yuck!).  we did some shopping, which i almost now always prefer over staying on the beach since i dont like being seen in a bathing suit.  spent some time on the slots and won $80 which helped out with gas, although it doesn’t even pay for 2 weeks worth.  stupid dumb oil.  but, we did manage to squeeze in a walk across the beach.  that was last weekend.

this short weekend has already past with the looming work week upon me.  less and less looking forward to this.  before i had decided to take on more responsibilities and new projects, which was as of last week, i was comfortable with what i was doing and being able to ask others for help when i needed it.  now i feel like i’m supposed to be the one for others to go to when they need help… so how much do i really know?!  it doesn’t feel like much.  middle of last week, i was taken to see some clients which included some 30 people.  i was sweating and lightheaded by the end.  i don’t recall even an eighth of the group.

now i have to face two big projects due to be delivered by the end of this month, which is shooting my anxiety up through the roof.  it’s hard to breathe just thinking about it.  this also makes me wonder how i can possibly do this job when i can’t even control my anxiety problems.  this does not bring back fond memories as anxiety was a constancy in school.  it was only when i started receiving straight A’s in 5th grade that it started.  gradually, the anxiety grew worse, peaking while in high school and subsequently, grades went down.  slowly, it got a little better in college.. haha yes finally figured something out after 20 years of living?!  course, this doesn’t mean it’s gone.  nowhere near in fact.  ditto on the social anxiety part. 

yesterday, i think i also experienced some hypomania or maybe just insanity.  this lasted for only an hour before sleeping half an hour put it on pause.  *sighs*  drymouth.  vision is being compromised; words i’m typing are blurry and i’m not crying.  i feel that soon i might just collapse into the fetal position and blubber like the big baby that i am.  escalating.  wanting to scream.  wanting to breathe! 

“Get a hold of yourself!”  *hits herself* ah, better.

sorry dear readers for this episode.  talking about anxiety seems to provoke things as much as any other stressful event.  still barely functioning at the moment, i will end this entry by telling you that i will try to get through the rest of this week unscathed.

alas, it’s another day

OK, i have not posted in quite a while, not that it would matter.. i dont anyone actually reads this dumb thing.  i don’t know if it’s whether i’ve been busy with stuff or busy with actually sleeping.  sleeping a bit too much, yet i am all wide awake tonight.  my life has been uneventful, aka no drama, for the last two or so weeks, which i haven’t decided whether that’s negative or positive.  this means no real thoughts or attempts of self-harm or hypomania or even, my gosh can’t you believe it, crying here.  mainly, i seek drama even though i can’t handle a drop of it.  realize that that is the indecisiveness in me.  one of my many weaknesses.  i wish i knew what i wanted so that i could just focus on getting there. 

on a more positive note, i will be going to the beach tomorrow, rather today since it is already 3 am, with the boyfriend.  a nice sunday before the start of the work week.  the weather is supposed to nice so hopefully not too hot and not too cold.  i have to be at a perfect temperature to even have a chance of enjoying myself.  this annoys him to no end since this is one of the things i complain about frequently.  like last night, we went to dinner at a restaurant called Jones in Center City, ah the heart of Philadelphia (least i think so), and it was not at all a good experience for me.  the food was mediocre, actually plain at best.  we sat outside where it smelled and it was a bit chilly probably from the day’s rain.  and i’m pretty sure the waitress forgot about us except for the moments where she saw us through the windows while serving her indoor patrons.  i spent the entire time complaining… and i believe that this is what he dislikes so much about me — my complains.  it’s even worse — the more comfortable i am with someone, the more comfortable i am with letting them know about my complaints.  bad habit i admit.

anyway, back to the beach.  some shopping, strolling on the boardwalk, and maybe getting my feet into the sand will be nice!  i love the sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore and the sea gulls calling.  it would be great to own a summer beach house or rent one, but again this would be my fault.  i’m not even allowed to stay with my boyfriend overnight.  that’s right.  i said not allowed.  one parent doesn’t know i’m with him at all.  the other doesn’t know that it’s serious.  again, my fault.  i know, i hate myself for it.  i’m sorry.  i’m going to stop while i’m ahead before i create some drama.  good night all!~