quick update

considering it’s 4 am and i have to be up for work in about 3 hrs i’m going to make this brief.

i went to my boyfriend’s college graduation yesterday.. WooHoo!  luckily, it wasn’t AS stressful as i expected it to be.  actually the night before was more so, even if I wasn’t the person graduating.  i’m so proud of him.  his little cousins were adorable and troublemakers!  i believe the people in the rows in front and in back of us were quite irritated.  it’s weird how kids don’t care at all because they’re in their own little worlds and don’t understand, but it made me uncomfortable.  i basically didn’t look.  uhm no kids for me!  we had a nice delicious dinner in chinatown as well. 

tonight or rather this morning, i am stuck right between feeling like shit and being okay by avoidance.  i mean right in the middle.  i really have no idea at the moment or the last 4 hours for that matter.  i think i’ve slightly gone from the edge of feeling like shit to the edge of being okay by avoidance.  i’ll see how the rest of today goes…

full moon

has anyone seen it tonight?  or even last night?  it is quite beautiful.  something so mysterious about it.  i feel that something more draws me to it than gravity.  somehow it seems that i am connected to the sky although i have never been obsessed about astronomy nor ever owned a telescope.  when i’m outside at night and stare into the darkness, i feel a sense of belonging.  yes, i know i sound a bit loony. 

early on while sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car and sticking my head slightly out the window, the wind was blowing.. i felt like i couldn’t breathe.  i told him this, but i think he just thought i was being a weirdo.  anyway, the familiar sensation was something between a wonderful lightness and a panicky fear of suffocation.  listening to music only enhances the feelings.  i gave my thoughts about music in another post.  i always wonder if there is someone up there, in some other reality, calling for me..  my heart and thoughts are racing.

yep i am crazy and here is a random post…

letter to my love #1

i have to start out by apologizing to you.  i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me.  i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions.  they are dark moments in my life.  i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind.  i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement. 

i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness.  honestly, i have good times as well.  more good times than bad in fact.  if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night.  i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together.  i also have my siblings and work to thank for it.  i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful.  this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me.  we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind.  and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.

i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me.  i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person.  the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t.  so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway).  i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.

so, i only ask you to try to be understanding.  don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced.  don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me.  don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t.  just love me as i love you.

Love with all my heart,

Amy

barely conscious

things are such shit. 

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post.  after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way.  i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently.  even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess.  i’m really worried about my grandfather.  he still hasn’t woken up.  and what if he doesn’t? 

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick.  that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it.  ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay.  instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life.  he is there because i have no efforts or hopes. 

*throws her hands up in the air*  right, like the gester has ever helped anyone.  this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now.  i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing.  although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold.  my heart is cold.  chills up and down my back and shoulders.  my breathing is slow.  i feel that i am no longer here.  i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it.  i’m almost dead already.  and what will the crying and self-harming do now?  nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore.  i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment.  this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you.  i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed.  it hurts to pick up a bottle of water.  i feel worse.

blah

…  Three dots might actually be enough said, but then someone might really think that i am crazy.  And anyway, who’s to say i’m not?

another week has gone by, well almost a week, and my souless body chugs away at this thing called life.  i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything which is making me oh so depressed.  and i’m sure that complaining and whining about it rather than putting forth some effort is not going to make me any better.  i wish i knew where my motivation and drive went.  i’ll buy you a nice dinner if you do! 

also, my weight issues have grown as much as my stomach has.  it has really started to bother me now.  it has bothered me to the point that i have started going running two or three times a week (which is saying alot since i never exercised).  this has yielded no results.  i can probably attribute this to eating all day at my office desk and sitting on my butt all day.  you office people know what i’m talking about!  it is considerably tougher to be at the desk with nothing to do, but eat.  so, what do i do?  learn to  starve myself to get my body back?  although i know this is not the answer, i want my body back.  i can hear all that “great” advice about either loving my body for the way it is or eat healthy and exercise in the background.  seeing my fat makes me want to puke, no pun intended.

what is wrong with me?  it has been, what?, 5 years now since i’ve had a friend.  any kind of friend!  so sad.  it feels like i’m the only one here, that i’m somehow not living in the same reality as everyone else.

in the shower, i scratched my arms, my legs, and my stomach nice and hard.  it felt so good having the hot water burn them and turn them bright pink.  it didn’t last very long as i cried.  i was tired and felt like collapsing and not waking up.  i braced myself by sitting on the laundry basket.  the headaches are getting bad.

too tired to type, think, or bother staying awake anymore.

do i hear something?

okay, i was going to ignore them as i have work to do at the moment.. work that will keep me up into the hours of the night or morning, whichever way you look at it.  i mean them as in voices.  a little while ago, i started hearing them and they are scaring me straight.  they’re not saying anything.  instead, they sound like really low moans.  i went out into the hallway and listened and heard nothing.  i came back into my bedroom and soon heard them again.  everytime i stopped to listen, there they were again.  what is that?  i thought they might be the cries of some tormented soul that never made it to “other side” or that i was dillusional and hearing things.  both ideas are frightening.  when i close my eyes, i hear them.  i dont want to close my eyes, but i’m tired and sleepy.  i thought writing this post would get me to get back to my work and the voices would go away.  they haven’t.  i have a feeling, though, it’s only my sister’s breathing…  but now that i have recognized it, it doesn’t sound the same as the sounds i heard earlier.  i’m scared to turn around let alone leave my seat.  soo sleepy though… need to finish my work… make the voices stop.