driving stinks!

this is going to be a dumb post, but i felt like i had to get it off my chest for my own sake.  i really hate driving and if it weren’t for the fact that i can’t get anywhere without doing it, i wouldn’t.  ever since i started learning to, i’ve had bad experiences (least i think so).  and for me, i remember almost all bad experiences, no matter how minor in retrospective.  what was even worse about learning to drive was that my father was my driving instructor.. so called driving instructor.  let me tell you that someday i will write a post about the awkward and hateful relationship between my father and i.  i was never sexually abused or anything like that, but the current status of the relationship is still warranted.  anyway, since i never wanted to learn, it took me till freshman year of college to get my ass going in the car.  i hadn’t started college yet, but he and i had a driving session that took place from my house to my college and back.  the tension of course was there.  the drive to the college was bumpy and annoying, but slightly bearable.  coming home was a different story.  he had been berating me relentlessly, due to me not wanting to listen to him, about it being important to getting to school and whatnot.  i made some more mistakes and he continued his stupid ranting.  we were down the street from my house and i finally blew up.  i sped recklessly up to my house and pulled the car into the driveway so quick, i think ** were scared.  i did a good job, to say the least.  i got out of the car and stormed into the house with, of course, him bitching behind me.  i wasn’t really hearing it, only the anger from my own ears.  from my bedroom, i could hear him screaming at my mother about my driving.  my heart was beating almost out of my chest.  i don’t remember what i did, but that i hadn’t cried.

this brings me to today.  getting out of the parking lot at my work is such a hassle.  have to make a left and there’s always enough cars on that street to create a problem and no traffic light of course.  the other day i got honked because i didn’t make the turn out fast enough and today i almost sideswiped a car… swear i did not see it… or did not imagine that it would get there that fast.  like anytime i do something wrong, my heart was pounding and guilt filled me up quick.  i felt bad i almost hit the poor guy or girl!  i kept thinking about how angry and surprised that person must was.  i felt an immediate rush to cut myself, but had nothing to do that with since i was driving.  ended up just scratching and pinching my arm until i created some little marks, which is no where satisfying.  i wanted to cry, but couldn’t.  almost the rest of the day, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it which is a common occurence. 

what’s even worse than being wreckless and plain sucking at driving is that i’m one of those mild road rage types.  i hate it when other drivers drive slow when they have no one in front of them, hate it when they glare at you when they’re the ones who made a mistake, and especially hate other road rage drivers (yeah i know).  i haven’t stopped to get out of my car and go over to punch someone in the face, but who’s to say someday i won’t turn into one of those people?  i have been proven to be violent and unpredictable of the silent type.  silent but deadly? ha… okay this is nothing to joke about.  another relevant problem is that i have a tendency to get sleepy-eyed, to put it mildly, driving at night.  it really does feel about the same as driving drunk, which i haven’t done before.  it’s just that i can’t leave early, i can’t leave the next morning, i’ve got no one to drive me, but still gotta get myself home so what am i supposed to do?  this just sounds like insensible reasoning from someone like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. ACK. 

i don’t know that writing this post has made me feel any better, but i’m sorry to that person i almost hit!  OH, and anyone who sees a crazy, aggressive, but scared and sleepy driver, don’t get near me… this seems like the time to insert a quiz with some title like “What kind of Driver Are You?”, but let’s not get overboard here.